Here is Prime Video’s latest Mercedes Ron adaptation, following the massive ratings success of her Culpable trilogy (My Fault, Your Fault, Our Fault). Drawn Together tells the story of a ballet dancer falling in love with her bodyguard. It’s meant to be darker and sexier than the Culpable movies (which were derived from YA-aimed novels), but has all the erotic charge of leaf mulch. It’s the worst of all worlds – trash minus any froth or fun, trash with pretensions. Fans no doubt will be instantly at home in its glossy world of the ultra-wealthy, all the budget blown on cream-coloured furnishings and jodhpurs.

Ester Expósito is Marfil, a 20-year-old student and ballet dancer from Spain living in New York. One night, she is abducted in Central Park and wakes up two days later in hospital with no memory of what happened. What Marfil doesn’t know is that her billionaire father Alejandro (Pablo Molinero) is an organised crime boss, and he hires bodyguard Sebastián (Hugo Diego Garcia) as 24/7 protection for Marfil. In a film with more holes than plot, this stands out as especially preposterous. No father alive would risk hiring smouldering Sebastián (think Tom Hardy’s hot young Spanish cousin) as security for his daughter.

In truth, Alejandro’s ill-gotten gains would be better spent on therapy for Marfil to work through her deep-seated psychological issues. She wants to break free of her controlling father but throws herself into the arms of Sebastián, a man who won’t let her leave the house alone and secretly films her on CCTV. The chemistry between the two actors barely generates a spark – but stay alert at the 70-minute mark, because the sex, when it finally comes, is blink and you’ll miss it. There’s another book in the series, so the movie ends on an irritating cliffhanger, with a wait for the climax.

• Drawn Together is on Prime Video