The internet is a place where narcotics enthusiasts and cheaters flourish. It has become a completely godless institution with nothing but narcissistic bad faith actors at the helm. The honest come here to lie, and liars come here to be honest. We must go off-grid and destroy what has become man’s fifth limb for I worry about the children becoming psychologically brittle. They worship Skibidi Toilet and Ms. Rachel and last I checked idolatry is an unforgivable sin.

Actually I don’t care. And I’ve also just changed my mind.

See, you can do that on the internet. You can even share your lived experience on the internet – how beautiful. And the thing about the lived experience is … you can totally make it up – how beautiful. Today? I’m Irish and Italian. I DJ. And I’m an absolute vibe terrorist. Tomorrow? A farmer with a missing child. A loving father secretly on Ozempic. A revolutionary. Yesterday? Broken. Lost. Hyena in the club girl. A bunny rabbit.

So bring your beautiful beluga blue eyes here, hold my hand and come walk with me.

1. Who is going to clean your toilets?

You know when you’re at kick-ons and you say something that you think is genius but everyone goes completely quiet, break-out rooms form, and you’re suddenly chain-smoking a full packet of Double Happiness and considering sobriety in a really big way? That is how this video feels. It captures the experience of saying something completely off chops and immediately being victim to the response. I’ve titled this the Monday monologues after a weekend of ups and downs and waking up to several essay messages about ways in which you’ve behaved. Homework for my therapist.

2. Ed Hardy fashion show, Sydney 2009

We used to ride horseback before Uber came and ruined that. And Sydney used to be a place where risk was taken and kings were crowned. Now all we know is nude beaches and the new airport next to the Art Gallery of New South Wales; oh how empires crumble. At 5:30, a group of models dance to Sidney Samson’s Riverside. Black Jesus Amen Fashion!

3. Nicki Minaj puts the Barbz in time out

Nicki Minaj doesn’t believe in prisons, just time out. She’s abolitionist like that. And with the release of Pink Friday 2 it’s important to remember that we Barbz need to be checked every now and again. In this hilarious camera-blocked Instagram Live, Nicki puts her fans in time out after they made her trend on Twitter, demanding an update to her breakout hit Super Bass. She also shuts down allegations that she’s 5ft 2in, when she is in fact 5ft 3in.

4. The Twin Towers – Seinfield Spec Script

When 9/11 happened my grandmother sat me down and told me that the third world war was beginning … and then took me to kindy and told me to have the best day ever. As a TV writer I gotta do a shoutout to my favourite spec script and page turner of all time.

5. Saoirse Ronan by RXKNephew

This certified banger is perfect for the car, especially when your licence is suspended. I personally believe licences should be suggestions but this is why I don’t run society. It’s a paranoid brain dump and an ode to Saoirse Ronan, one of the top 100 Irish people of all time.

6. It’s not about the pasta!

Vanderpump Rules cast members Lala Kent and James Kennedy have a heated exchange over lunch that bleeds into the street. It’s about pasta, though rumours among fans say that “pasta” is a potential industry codeword for *sniff* something else – which other cast members have strenuously denied. Honestly, if you are not fighting your besties like this in the streets, then what’s the point?

7. Crackhead Barney & Friends

Crackhead Barney is a lot of things. A comedian. An artist. An interviewer. She once said: “You know my parents told me you could be whatever you want. And then when I started this show they were like, that’s not what we meant.” I fell in love with Crackhead Barney during her coverage of a Maga protest leading up to the January 6 insurrection. You could say Congress hasn’t been the same since then – look at what they did to George Santos. Another diva down. Crackhead Barney is a self-described “black demonic spirit” and she keeps me going when the world feels so bleak.

8. David’s dead

When Angie Bowie’s ex-husband David Bowie dies while she’s in the Celebrity Big Brother house, a historic miscommunication occurs. When the news is shared with fellow contestant Tiffany “New York” Pollard she immediately confuses the news with another housemate, David Gest, who was very unwell in the house and sadly passed away two months after his eviction. The Big Brother house is sent into a spiral. Perfect television.

9. Wendy Williams’ theory of the killer

The idea that the world is full of killers is systematically true. There are people waiting in the sidelines waiting to take you as their next victim. Check every door. And check it twice!

10. DildoGate

I’ll leave you with this one. Have a blessed day everyone.

• Enoch Mailangi is an award-winning screenwriter and troublemaker based in Sydney. They have written on Stan’s Year Of and Invisible Boys, SBS’s While The Men Are Away, and ABC’s Crazy Fun Park. Follow them on Instagram