Mia Sugimoto and Sophia Rundle, both 17, met in their freshman year at high school in Washington State, four years ago. They had mutual interests, such as hanging out; they both really liked going to the beach. When they talk about it, I get a Technicolor flash of the intensity of teenage friendships: because it’s not really about the beach, it’s about what they talked about at the beach. Adult affiliations are so functional by comparison.

Barely two months ago, Sugimoto had an idea: to start Girlhood, an advice site where teenage girls helped other teenage girls with their dilemmas. “It came from the Barbie movie,” she says. “I felt a feeling of comfort, a safe space around me full of girls, women from my age to their 80s, all crying.”

Within three weeks, they had had 20,000 advice submissions, 8 million views, and 85,000 people had followed them on TikTok. “We’ve had over 6,000 people who want to volunteer,” Sugimoto says, which is fortunate as they couldn’t possibly do it all themselves. Indeed, they are both by necessity now mainly in operations, and the volunteer army does the wisdom.

They are not registered advice-givers, they stress. “We’re not going to give advice on eating disorders, sexual assault, things like that,” Rundle says. We don’t want to harm our volunteers or the people we’re giving advice to.” Instead, the submissions are the elemental questions of becoming an adult: am I doing this right? Do I have enough friends, am I nice enough to them, are they nice enough to me? How do I get over this guy, or get him back, or get rid of him, or trust him? Am I achieving enough, or am I destined to be a failure?

Despite the international reach – they have had messages from Sweden, New Zealand and a number of Asian and African countries – the first volunteer inquiry was from the UK. “A lot of girls have issues that are very similar to ours,” Sugimoto says. Rundle adds: “We both wanted to create a website that encompassed the spirit of big‑sister advice: you can talk to us because we’ve had experiences similar to the ones you’re going through.”

If there’s anything dispiriting about reading the problems, it’s how many of them speak to a power imbalance between girls and boys: a lot of heaviness about boys seemingly swimming in and out of relationships without a care in the world, while girls have tried everything to get over them, and are out of ideas. I thought gen Z had somehow reshuffled the deck on who held all the cards. Rundle and Sugimoto both shoot me a look of great patience, before Rundle explains: “We try not to get into the realm of activism, but the submissions are extremely telling about society. Women, psychologically, have a harder time getting over guys, that’s what I’ve seen in Girlhood and in general.” Their advice usually boils down to: “You’ll get over him when you stop thinking about him.” It emphatically doesn’t go with: “Get fake eyelashes and flirt with his best friend”.

Other problems a gen X could guess at but not remember: the mind-bending insecurities created by everyone else on social media looking so happy, all the goddam time. It creates all these anxieties; how come you only have three friends, when everyone else has 26? How are you ever going to get into a top university, when that person just hand-reared a panda? “Behind every photo and every post, there’s a deeper meaning,” Sugimoto says. “There’s definitely a facade,” Rundle adds. “For the most part, there would be so much more that is hidden: one person who really doesn’t want to be there; an argument that broke out right after the smiling. People are constantly comparing themselves without knowing the reality of what they are comparing themselves with. Part of what Girlhood stands for is a corner of social media that isn’t intoxicated by trying to be someone you aren’t.”

But there’s something else that we, attendant adults, probably could remember if we made more effort. “Adults constantly hold this idea, ‘We’re so much more mature, smarter’, but so many of them forget the visceral feelings that come up when people go through these challenges. It can be heart-shattering. So parents will give you their perspective, their advice, and it’s super bland. If we had one message to tell to adults, if they want to understand the purpose of Girlhood, is that it’s OK not to remember how you felt years and years ago.” It’s OK, that is, to be super bland: but don’t be surprised when your teens get their wisdom elsewhere.

Seven problems solved by Girlhood

I have this group of friends – they are all a bit closer to each other than I am to any of them, but we still hang out a bit and talk at school. However, they always tend to do things after events we attend together and not invite me or have sleepovers. They say it’s because I’m “always with my boyfriend” but they never ask or anything. They also have a separate group chat without me. Should I stop being friends with them?

Girlhood I totally understand what it’s like to be left out of a friend group and then be met with excuses when you try to bring it up. First off, I want you to know that their behaviour has nothing to do with you! It’s a reflection of themselves, and you shouldn’t feel like you did anything to make them treat you this way. To be honest, these people don’t really sound like your friends at all. A true friend group should make you feel loved and included, so if you don’t feel like their friendship is doing that for you, it might be best to let it go.

I would take some time to evaluate how you feel about each of them. If you decide that you don’t want to be a part of the group any more, that doesn’t mean that you have to cut all of them off. Maybe you could stay on OK terms with them, or maybe just a one-on-one friendship could work out better with someone in the group. Just remember that you don’t owe anyone anything. It’s all up to you and whether or not these friendships make you feel good.

OK, so my best friend recently got a boyfriend and they have been dating for about a month. I’m glad that she has found someone and is happy, it’s just she has been ditching me a lot lately and lying about it. We make plans together and I get excited, but then she cancels last minute and says stuff like, “My mom wants me home to do chores”, but then I see that they are hanging out together. I always know because she posts stuff of them hanging. I feel that she wants me to see it to make me jealous or something. There are so many more times when things like that have happened and it honestly just makes me sad because she’s one of my only friends. I also just kind of think it’s stupid because they haven’t been together for that long and it’s literally a high‑school relationship. Also, I know they are going to break up officially soon because they already fight and have taken “breaks” (for like one day). I don’t know if I should stick by her and comfort her when it happens or just focus on myself and, hopefully, she will realise that she was kind of a b*tch to me and regrets how she treated me.

Girlhood I’ve had experiences of my own that are similar to yours. It hurts, especially when your parents ask if your friends are coming over, or when you can feel your friendship drifting apart. It’s normal to lose time with your friends when they get a significant other, but, either way, she shouldn’t be lying about it.

I would communicate to her about how you’re feeling. It doesn’t have to be a big, formal type of thing – you can just shoot her a text. A possible example is confronting her about the situation in a nice manner, and asking if you did anything for her to be acting that way. Especially about lying and posting on social media for you to see. You never know, she could be going through something herself.

If they do eventually break up, it is best for you to stay by her side. If anything, that’ll make her realise how mean her actions were by setting an example of how to be a good friend.

I’m 16 and since about eighth grade there’s been this boy – we instantly connected and were obsessed with each other for the next year or so. He lost feelings and moved on, but my feelings haven’t stopped. We’re in the same friend group, and back in March he started talking to my friend and they started dating. A couple of weeks ago they broke up because he cheated on her. I saw that as an opportunity to go for him again, but she’s one of my best friends and I don’t think I could do that to her – but I had him first, so would I be the asshole??

Girlhood I get where you are coming from. It’s hard to see a boy you’ve liked since eighth grade date one of your best friends. I get that your feelings for him are strong, but right now you must balance the pros and cons. Try to put yourself in your friend’s shoes. It would be hard to go through heartbreak (get cheated on), and then see your good friend go for your ex. If you want to go for him, wait it out before doing so. Make sure your friend is doing OK, and before you do anything get her approval. If you go straight into it, the drama will stir and be a mess.

That being said, we also need to think about his morals/personality. Would you be willing to be with someone who cheated before? Try to look out for yourself – self‑care is important, love! Whatever happens, just know that, at the end of the day, everything will be all right.

OK, so I’m 17 and I’ve known I’m bi for a while now. Over the past year, I’ve started telling my friends about my experiences with girls and they have all been supportive. One of my friends in particular has seemed extra‑interested and even flirty with me ever since she found out. I didn’t really think much of it, but, over the past few months, I think I’ve fallen for her. As far as I know, she’s completely straight. She always jokes around about kissing me or calling me hot, but I don’t know if she actually means anything more by this. She doesn’t act this way toward her other friends. We have been friends for so many years and I don’t want to ruin anything by mentioning it, but, at the same time, I don’t wanna miss out by staying quiet. I’m kind of conflicted because it also hurts whenever she gets excited and talks to me about boys.

Girlhood So I’m bi myself and I’m more than well aware of the stereotypes that come with liking women. When people find out, they can sometimes get weird and treat you differently. If your friend is actually straight and is flirty with you because she knows you like women, I hope you know that means she’s not a very good friend. Taking advantage of someone’s sexuality for something like an ego boost is awful, and I genuinely hope that is not the case. The fact she doesn’t act like that around her other friends could mean one of two things: she is attracted to you and only started doing this because you being bi means she’s in the clear to actually like you or she wants you to be attracted to her because she thinks it’s fun.

I think the best thing to do to see what your next steps should be is to confront her. Not in the abrasive sense, but by asking her about her sexuality. Some people don’t like to be prodded, but I would be straightforward and honest with her. Tell her that you can’t tell if she’s actually flirting with you or not, and if she doesn’t mean it, she should stop because it makes you uncomfortable. Tell her that if she’s straight, it feels like she’s taking advantage of your sexuality by flirting and essentially leading you on. This does imply that you like her, but you can always play it off.

If you have this conversation and find out she’s straight and has been playing with you, you can choose to keep her as a friend and hopefully educate her on why what she did wasn’t right. If she is queer and she still acts the same, she could very well like you and I’d say go for it! If you like her and you have a chance, you should do what makes you happy.

I’m 19 and I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never had any contact with a boy or kissed or held hands or ANYTHING. I feel so behind and pathetic. It doesn’t bother me too much, but whenever I’m with my friends, who have had sex and been in relationships, I can’t help but wonder if maybe I’m just not pretty/good enough. No boy has ever approached me or asked me out, which doesn’t help my self-esteem much. I know I shouldn’t feel like I need a man’s attention but when every girl I’m surrounded by has been on dates/asked out etc, it really makes me wonder why I haven’t had any of that happen to me. I’m very shy and quiet, and I struggle with social anxiety. I just need tips on how to talk to men. I get nervous around them and it’s a struggle, considering all my lab partners are boys this semester. I freeze up and I get embarrassed (my face turns red) since I can’t talk to them the way that I do with the girlies. How do I start a conversation? Anything helps <3 !

Girlhood Don’t worry if you feel like you’re falling behind in love (like the song by Laufey!). Nothing is wrong with you, there are tons of girls in similar situations, and you are not pathetic.

I have a friend who is drop-dead gorgeous, and everywhere I went, boys would come up to us and ask for her Snapchat. All of my guy friends have had a crush on her at some point, and she is genuinely a great girl to be around. Even though I wanted to hype her up and support her, too, I couldn’t help but feel insecure about my own looks because I felt like no boys paid attention to me.

Every girl is beautiful, and the situation you are in is universal. If you’re comfortable enough to make a move on boys, try to seem as confident as you can. Fake it until you make it!

Just know that you are beautiful inside and out, and that there is someone in this world who is perfect for you. Please don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with just because everyone else is doing it.

I feel like everywhere I look – both on social media and in real life – every girl has so many friends. They’re constantly out posting photos and videos, or talking about memories they’ve had recently at parties or hangouts that I couldn’t even dream of being invited to. I have maybe four friends, and I love them to death, but sometimes I find myself longing to have the huge friend groups that all of the other girls seem to have. How do I become OK with not having that?

Girlhood I feel like this isn’t talked about enough, so I’m really glad you asked this. As somebody who has gone through my high-school years phasing in and out of multiple friend groups – both big and small – I want to start off by telling you that having a big friend group is almost never as glorious as it appears on social media (almost nothing is lol.)

People in general (especially high-schoolers) tend to idolise big friend groups because they seem great in theory: lots of people that “like you”, always something to do, more opportunities for exciting activities, etc. In actuality, this isn’t really the case. I’ve noticed that during the periods of my life when I’ve been involved in big friend groups, I felt the most alone, and, according to the other girls I’ve spoken with about this topic, they feel similarly.

Big friend groups breed so much drama and don’t foster true connections with the people around you (most of the time, not all of the time). I assure you that 99% of the girls you see on social media or around you boasting about how many friends they have, or all the “cool” things they’re doing, are putting on a facade (at least to an extent).

It’s sort of the same principle as “you don’t know what the people around you are dealing with”. There is so much hidden drama and resentment that goes on behind the scenes in groups like this, and, in my experience, only having a few close friends I love, can rely on, and don’t feel like I’m sacrificing my own peace for, is so much more beneficial for my mental health.

I have maybe five really good friends, and have never been happier with the people in my life! Don’t feel bad or compare yourself with other girls who seem like they have more friends because, honestly, they’re probably looking at you with the same envy.

This isn’t necessarily a girl-related issue, but it’s just been something I’ve been struggling with recently as a girl who has just graduated high school. I want to be somebody and I want to do something with my life. I have this weird feeling of worthlessness because I haven’t achieved much or “lived my life to the fullest”, as people say.

Girlhood I’m so glad you asked this because it strays into philosophy, which is something that I am super-passionate about. I think that you need to ask yourself a quick question: “What do I deem as an achievement? What do I deem as success or ‘living life to the fullest’? What is my idea of this?”

People tend to trap themselves in a state of perpetual worry (a sort of existential dread) and will not take a moment to pause, look around and revel in the small things. I am so guilty of doing this, but this is how I think about it: I feel like I can’t ever stop wasting time. I want to do something with my life: I want to be everything, achieve all I can achieve, and make my mark on the world in a way that is transferable and will live on longer than my body does, but, instead, I spend my time going to sleep, reading books, singing in my car on drives back from school, or hanging out with my friends. I take my dog for walks, I swim in oceans and rivers and lakes, or dance with the people I love. But then I think, maybe this is what it’s really all about.

I came to this revelation at 1am with a group of my friends. We were at one of their houses, and he lives out in the middle of nowhere, so – kind of a spur-of-the-moment decision – we suddenly got up and started sprinting out into the woods. We were running and jumping and screaming until our lungs stung and then we lay out in the middle of the road on the other side of the forest where a car hadn’t driven by in days and just lay there looking up into endless darkness.

I wasn’t doing anything that one might deem a “success” or an “achievement” or even “living my life to the fullest”. I was simply being a human, and that was enough.

You don’t need to be anyone. You don’t need to “achieve” anything (whatever the hell that means). You can just be, and that’s what it’s truly all about.

• Find the blog at thegirlhood.org