Ah, the eternal festive question. The one that shakes loved ones out of the cosy harmony of a turkey coma and into a sherry-fuelled yelling match.
It’s no great surprise that we’re so fiercely protective of our favourites. Often they are bound up with our happiest memories – childhood Christmas Eves waiting for Santa; Sundays on friends’ sofas sipping mulled wine; crying at sentimental slush with the one that magicked your cynicism away. They mean a lot.
Plus, they span such a broad stylistic spectrum that there’s arguably a “best Christmas movie” for every age group, mood and hangover stage. You just have to pick from the right category – black-and-whites for Sunday nights, mindless comedies for Boxing Day etc.
So to pick up the ultimate accolade, a has a lot of boxes to tick. For a start, there needs to be a heartwarming lesson that helps to transform our hero. It should bring the whole family together. (Because when else do you have four generations in one room, all desperate for the sweet respite of a TV zone-out session?) The music should be an essential part of your festive playlist. And call me a stickler, but it should be set at Christmas.
So with that in mind, let’s pit some festive favourites against my Scroogely stringent criteria…
The old classic
It’s comforting to think that even 70-odd years ago, before the pressure of Instagramming umpteen pumpkin spiced lattes arose, people were still finding Christmas a bit much. Which could well explain the enduring popularity of Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life. Yes it was nominated for five Oscars, and stars the great James Stewart, but it is the film’s message – that we are loved, and our lives matter more than we could imagine – that makes it one of the best. Not the very best, though. However many times you repeat “golden age of cinema”, I’m afraid there are few teenagers willing to sit through a black-and-white lesson in perspective.
Honourable mention: Holiday Inn – Fred Astaire, Bing Crosby and the first outing for White Christmas.
The schmaltz-fest
If you spend December welling up at supermarket adverts and hugging everyone in sight, your top pick is probably Love Actually – the film hell-bent on cramming as much love (and as many national treasures) as possible into two hours. It has important lessons aplenty (girls love drummers), and since it is set during Advent, it packs in the festive tropes.
There’s a nativity play, the nightmare of secretly shopping for your receptionist while your wife’s lurking … and that’s where Love Actually loses the top spot. Because in among the love, there’s also a fair bit of crappy behaviour. Turns out, I’d rather not watch a man cracking on to his best friend’s new wife, or a brilliant woman accepting life with a philandering husband.
I know, bad things happen. But isn’t Christmas the one time we can all pretend that people are good, things end happily, and we’re not about to be plunged into a nuclear winter?
Honourable mention: The Holiday – Jack Black tickles the ivories, a lonely old guy gets his mojo back, and Jude Law plays a decent human being (almost) convincingly.
The screwball comedy
For some, Christmas is all about the fun. Office parties, ridiculous jumpers, a friend’s transformation from shrinking violet to Enforcer of Charades. And there are plenty of films to help you get your silly on – so many, indeed, that this category is topped by two films: parentless high-jinks fantasy Home Alone; and Elf, which sees Will Ferrell, well, Will Ferrelling about as Buddy, a Santa’s helper transplanted to New York. Both teach their characters about the importance of family, but – aside from the opening track on John Williams’s Home Alone score – there’s not much for your festive playlist. Near misses.
Honourable mention: Scrooged – Bill Murray as a vile TV exec and modern-day Ebenezer.
The wild card
When you’ve overdosed on Christmas spirit, Die Hard is your best bet. Totally justifiable as festive viewing since it’s set at a Christmas work do (albeit one caught up in a terrorist siege), it’s a welcome antidote to all the syrup. And let’s face it, nothing says Christmas like the message “now I have a machine gun, ho, ho, ho” written in blood on a dead guy’s jumper. But I can’t give it the top spot because there’s no uplifting lesson – other than the fact that your lame office party could have been much, much worse. Top marks for inventive ways to make it snow, though.
Honourable mention: Trading Places – Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy are the perfect double act as a yuppie and a street hustler who switch lives over Christmas.
The ‘Oh … this’ll do’
Oliver!, The Wizard of Oz, The Wrong Trousers (insert Julie Andrews). I’m talking about the films that have nothing to do with Christmas other than the fact that they’re on, ad nauseam, every December. If one of these is your favourite, I’m afraid it’s because you’ve been subject to a sort of festive water torture and have finally broken.
Honourable mention: Oh … anything. As long as you’ve seen it before, and there’s a cheese board within reach.
The grown-up cartoon
Disney’s Frozen may be filmic kiddy crack, but its intergenerational jokes, progressive characters and empowerment anthem Let It Go have made it a hit with just about everyone. It also has two transforming protagonists, two cheering messages – “be yourself” and “if in doubt, try love”, and a multi-platinum soundtrack. But it’s not actually set at Christmas, and that just won’t do.
Honourable mention: The Nightmare Before Christmas – Tim Burton’s gorgeous, ghoulish stop-motion animation.
And so, the winner is ...
Get ready to go at it in the comments, because my top pick isn’t an Oscar winner or a box-office smash. It’s The Muppet Christmas Carol.
This film has it all. There’s one of the best hero transformations in the history of culture, let alone the festive film annals, and an absolute belter of a soundtrack. I defy you to listen to One More Sleep ’Til Christmas without feeling a shiver of childhood excitement. Jim Henson’s furry miscreants are their usual charming, goofy selves, meaning uninitiated little ones will be as enchanted as grandparents who remember them from the 50s.
And Scrooge is played by Michael Caine. Not just any old Caine, either. But Michael Caine just before the Michael Caine renaissance of the late 90s. There he is, defrosting his Oscar-winning acting chops via a little sing-song with Kermie.
But the biggest reason for this film’s victory is that it will swell your heart like no other. Listen to the ghost of Christmas present singing that “Wherever you find love, it feels like Christmas”; watch Scrooge shower his neighbours with kindness, and marvel as they return it tenfold – I guarantee that, just for a moment, you’ll feel like us humans aren’t such a bad bunch after all.
Runner-up: Miracle on 34th Street – the 1994 version – because Richard Attenborough is the most perfect Father Christmas the world will ever know (apart from the real one, of course).
• Lucinda Everett is an arts writer
