They call it “the herpes of the craft world”. “They” being some Machiavellian Australians who have launched a website that lets you anonymously ship glitter to your enemies. For just A$9.99 (£5), you can reduce grown men to fairy princesses and provide your frenemies with hours of vacuuming fun. For years, your victim will find specks of glitter everywhere they go. They will serve as ineradicable sparkles of your vengeance. Best of all, you will be able to exert great power without feeling great responsibility. I mean, it’s glitter, right? Who can stay mad at glitter?

But don’t get too excited: ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com has become a victim of its own success. The site launched on Monday and then crashed within hours because of the level of demand. It seems there are an awful lot of people out there who have been waiting all their lives for a site offering glitter-based revenge with international delivery options. At the time of writing, the website was back up, but all services were temporarily suspended because “you guys have a sick fascination with shipping people glitter”.

So disappointing. What is an ethical avenger to do now? Don’t worry, while our Australian friends get their glitter game back on track, here are some other ways you can be kind to be cruel.

1. Cover your enemies in Goop

This is pretty much the glitter trick, just with lifestyle advice. At first your nemesis will be thrilled that you have signed them up to Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog and email newsletter. They’ll discover food allergies they never knew they had! They’ll learn how to crochet quinoa! Soon, however, the interminable emails will become a nuisance. Your nemesis will decide they’ve had enough. But no matter how many times they hit that unsubscribe button, they will find trying to consciously uncouple from the site to be nigh impossible. Somewhere deep inside their soul, like a speck of glitter on otherwise spotless cashmere carpet, Gwyneth will be present, and she will be judging.

2. Switch their regular coffee for decaf

As Marx would have said if he’d ever come across a Starbucks: caffeine is the amphetamine of the people. It can traumatise the body and wreak havoc on the soul. You can read more in-depth reporting about this in this excellent Goop post: “Foods that cause pain.” So save your caffeine-dependent foes from themselves via this simple but powerful caffeine trick. Their adrenal glands will thank you for it. Their sanity won’t.

3. Turn them into a laughing stock-shot

Gosh! You tell your selfie-obsessed frenemy. You have the sort of face that could grace a thousand articles, advertisements, and corporate websites. Have you ever thought of a career as a stock photography model? Having planted this lucrative seed in your narcissist-nemesis’s mind, sit back and watch as their mugshots take on a life of their own. Perhaps the Guardian will use their photo to illustrate an advice column headlined “I fantasise about group sex with old, obese men”. Or maybe they will pop up, nestling a watermelon and a gun, in a Buzzfeed listicle of unexplainable stock photos. The possibilities are endless.

4. Send them on a cruise

A supposedly fun thing they will never do again.

5. Sign them up to a niche dating website

This revenge-hack kills two annoying birds with one stone by using the power of niche dating websites to find your nemesis the love they so richly deserve. If they like bad boys, I suggest meet-an-inmate.com. If they find sharing difficult, then connect them with an Ayn Rand enthusiast over at The Atlasphere. Or just find them a Sea Captain Date in the hope that you’ll never have to see them again. There’s something for everyone online!

6. Leave them a ton of voicemails

This is one of the most egregiously irritating things you can do to a person in the 21st century.

7. Flood their inbox with inspirational quotes

But make sure they are also slightly passive-aggressive. “Silence does not always mark wisdom,” said Samuel Taylor Coleridge. “Every artist was first an amateur,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson. The recipient will feel motivated, but also slightly denigrated.

8. Name an unflattering theorem after them

This is a long-term play that requires you discovering some sort of unpleasant fact that you can then prove with equations and name after someone you dislike. However, assuming you can do all the above, you will be rewarded via the Third Law of Spiteful Science: a body, once immortalised by science, will feel grateful for this afterlife, yet mortified by their legacy. Take Murphy, for example, forever associated with the idea that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Not to mention Pavlov’s poor dog, whose psychic secretions will never be forgotten.

And finally …

The above examples are for illustrative purposes only: please do not try any of these at home. Specifically, if I find myself suddenly signed up to any Goop newsletters I will respond swiftly and with glitter.