Rule 1: Humblebrag buying is uncouth
Twitter has already facilitated a tidal wave of faux-humility about everything from that “out of the blue!” promotion at work to lounge access at Heathrow to our uncanny ability to run 10K at 6am with a champagne hangover. Now that we can buy-and-brag at the touch of a button, things could get seriously nasty: @AnnaDotHart Uh-oh, might have i-splurged on that #LimitedEditionBurberryTote! What happens in the back of a limo at #LFW stays at #LFW, right????? Wrong.
Rule 2: Single White Female-ing is not cool
Twitter brings out the latent stalker in us all. And when social networking meets e-commerce, making our shopping lists tantalisingly shareable, it offers unfettered opportunity for copycat spending sprees. Right-minded people will tell ourselves that just because @LenaDunham adored a book, it doesn’t mean we need to read it. And then we’ll buy it. And the moisturizer. Careful.
Rule 3: Emotion-led panic buying remains ill-advised
The theory goes that Twitter’s rapid-fire, real-time nature makes it the perfect platform for hawking limited edition items. In the US trial of Twitter’s buy button, exclusive products by Eminem, Pharrell Williams and, um, Home Depot have already been snapped up in a feeding frenzy while, post-London fashion week, Burberry will issue a run of limited-edition nail-polish shades fresh from the catwalk. Brands are hoping, then, that you will be trigger happy, but we would advise cultivating a calm detachment. If a product pops up for sale while you’re fired up in the middle of a Twitter debate, for example, hate buying nail polish is never the answer.
Rule 4: Hi-vis generosity is still less cool than the anonymous kind
In the US, the buy button has already been trialled by charities such as GLAAD, Red and 9/11 Day, hoping to capitalise on Twitter’s abundantly-proven capacity to get us all fired up in the name of a cause. We can’t knock it, but in this new era of conspicuous contribution, the anonymous donation looks even more like a relic of the past.
Rule 5: Drinking and tweet-buying should be avoided
It’s bad enough that on the night bus home you can drunk-tweet an ex, or angrily inform Russell Brand that “nobody cares what you think about Scottish independence”. The morning comes to us all, cold and unforgiving, and shame-scrolling through your bank statement stings a lot more than your Twitter feed.
Rule 6: Trend-trolls are not the new fashion critics
“Trending on Twitter” has a whole new meaning now that Twitter is positioning itself as a fashion-trend-kickstarter. Now you’ll potentially be able to scroll through thousands of amateur critiques of your beloved new #KenzoTiger iPhone case – because trolls are inherently mean. Unless you are feeling like doing a fashion Mary Beard, it’s best to ignore them.
Rule 7: Off-lining? How modern
Going into an actual shop, trying some jeans on, buying them (rather than hunting for them cheaper online) and then not even telling anyone about them? As Twitter buying takes hold, this will be the chic way to shop in no time.
