Now that September is here, what are the big autumn trends for women?Fiona, by email

Well, Fiona, I could, I guess, regale you with the usual guff about pointy-toed flats and midi-length skirts, and all that would be true, to a certain point. But I think we know that the biggest fashion trend, really, for women – now and always – is no clothes at all: it’s having stolen naked photos of yourself leaked all over the internet. It’s like the story of the emperor’s new clothes all over again, if the emperor was harassed by sex pests and thieves and humiliated on an international level.

How strange it is to be a woman, in a world where everyone seems to be obsessed with what you do with your vagina: who are you letting into it, what children are you expelling from it, whether you’re trying to stop having children come out of it, who are you offering it up to. The older I get, the more I marvel at this vaginal obsession.

For example, no matter what achievements you notch up, the most important thing about you is your childbearing history. This weekend the very accomplished Rona Fairhead, former FT chief executive and now the government’s choice to be the new chair of the BBC Trust, was described namelessly in a Telegraph headline as “mother of three.” It was decidedly reminiscent of that Sunday Times front page headline in April, “Grandmother, 71, tackles slave traffickers for the Pope”, sparking condescending mental images of a sweet little ol’ granny pummelling evil-doers with her cane. In fact this “grandmother, 71” was Margaret Archer, distinguished sociologist and the most senior woman in the Vatican. Surely, you might think, the headline should have read “Grandmother, 71, tackles slave traffickers, for childless old man, 77.” You might think that, but you would be wrong, because the Pope is a man, and therefore more than the sum of his age and his childbearing history. But heaven help you if you don’t have children because then you will be pitied for all time, as Jennifer Aniston knows all too well.

Then there are the constant, background-music-like reminders that the most interesting thing about you is how sexually available you look. I can’t even be bothered to list again all the ways that message is conveyed, still – just Google “men’s magazine covers” or “any Hollywood film poster” if you’re that interested – but the obsession with famous women’s unguarded naked bodies is probably the most obvious, and maybe even the most pathetic, although that is a tight competition.

Personally, I have never understood the appeal in looking at naked photos of people who I don’t know and who certainly have no interest in me. I can’t even fathom the pleasure anyone might take in looking at photos of women that have been obtained by theft and thus caused enormous distress. But hey, maybe I’m the kinky one. Anyway, the point of these pictures isn’t to give anyone sexual pleasure. Many of these actresses in the latest leak have posed next-to-naked in their various films and magazine shoots already so it’s not exactly like the hackers are revealing much more than is already known. It’s purely a power thing, like when tabloids publish pap photos of celebrities unawares.

The only time naked photos of men get leaked onto the internet is when they ham-fistedly leak them themselves, as happens with various priapic male politicians like Anthony Weiner, and the general response is laughter and mockery. With women, that leaking happens when others steal the images from their phones, and the response here is darker, sexual, triumphal. Neither response is good, but the one in regards to women is definitely more threatening.There is no difference between the leaking of stolen naked photos from a female celebrity’s phone and so-called “revenge porn”, when a man leaks photos of an ex-partner. It’s a means of exuding power over someone who thought they were, if not powerful, at least independent. This narrative is now so well known that even Richard Curtis can see how pathetic it is, as proven by the plotline in Notting Hill, when naked photos of Julia Roberts’ character are leaked to the tabloids. And this is Richard Curtis, the man who also wrote some of the most reductive portrayals of women in film of all time in his following film, Love Actually.

So like I said, it’s funny to be a woman, in a world that judges you solely by what you do with your vagina: whether any babies have come out of it, and what you are doing with it. No matter what the answer is to either of those questions, you will be humiliated and criticised.

I’ve seen some comments on websites from readers saying: “Well, if they don’t want to have naked photos of them leaked, they shouldn’t take naked photos in the first place?!?!?!?!?!” One can only assume that these saintly people have absolutely nothing on their phones, their internet searches, their laptops or any CCTV footage that would make them feel vaguely uncomfortable if seen by the outside world. As for those who genuinely don’t understand how this is a sexism issue, ask yourselves why there are almost no men included on the list of celebrities whose privacy has been violated.

There will always be saddo hackers out there and there will, for some reason, always be people out there who marvel that famous women have naked bodies, just like everyone else. But when I am queen of the world, I will make it the law that every time a naked photo of a woman is leaked onto the internet, I will project into the sky an image of Gustave Courbet’s The Origin of the World (look it up, it’s amazing.) Because that’s all you’re looking at people: bodies, with biological functions. Jesus, grow up, world.

Post your questions to Hadley Freeman, Ask Hadley, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU. Email ask. hadley@ theguardian.com.