It has emerged that working with Kiefer Sutherland is probably only sustainable for 24 hours or so. “I did 24. It was terrible. I hated every moment of it. Kiefer was the most unprofessional dude in the world,” said Freddie Prinze Jr at the weekend. He added that the experience had made him want to quit acting, heartbreaking news for those among us who were teenage girls in 1998.
It’s not clear what the artist formerly known as Prinze Jr had expected from working alongside a renowned renegade, who approaches the problems of international negotiation and opening a can of sweetcorn with exactly the same implements. However, you can’t help but feel for him. We’ve all had nightmare colleagues whose presence is precision engineered to make our day harder, undermine and infuriate us.
How should we deal with them? Just like a Cosmopolitan sex quiz, there are exactly three options open to you:
1. Make friends
Obviously the most hypocritical and least satisfying option. The bitter pill of friendship requires you to swallow all enmity and buddy up to Jackie, who you know is stealing your yoghurts. Friendships are full of concealed rivalries anyway. Flatter their ego by voluntarily asking their advice on important work issues, or important online shopping issues. Grab a pear cider together after work. Join a civil war re-enactment society, so you can pike each other in the neck under proper supervision. Pedantic jobsworths are like people who eat and talk at the same time: it’s better to stand by their side than face them head on. This option suits boring people interested in self-knowledge and empathy; there’s a good chance that if you have a nightmare colleague, you’re probably their nightmare colleague too.
2. Have a nemesis
Now we’re talking. All real heroes (and by real, I mean fictional) have a nemesis. A bete noire, a Skeletor, a villain who vigilantly plots their downfall. Anyone can have a nemesis though, and a nemesis can be anyone. Spongebob Squarepants has one who is literally just a dirty bubble called Dirty Bubble. Having a nemesis makes your daily workplace struggle a private narrative of heroic overcoming. Barry keeps checking your work and sort of hovering, because he is waiting for you to trip up. Gunther has scheduled another meeting on this of all days because he wants you to feel overwhelmed and have a cry. But you will not succumb. Screw those blackhearted bastards!
NB Your boss is not your nemesis if she or he is routinely being a turd to everyone else you know and barely knows your name. A nemesis must be personal, fixated on you alone, like an evil butler. They are monogamously committed to your overthrow and destruction.
3. War of attrition
One thing the ‘no job for life’ culture has robbed us of, apart from the means to buy a house to live in, is workplace animosity that festers over decades, like wine. Done right, it’s an art. If your problems are intractable and none of you are going anywhere, then just dig in and play the long game. If Ramesh insists on conducting hour-long Skype conferences at his desk every other day, set up two-hour Skype conferences, every day, without headphones, also at his desk. If Gabby in HR sends the wrong form down again, send back a jiffy bag full of cooked spaghetti. Steal Caroline’s shoes, she absolutely deserves it.
This option is the most entertaining for your co-workers, but something of a scorched earth policy, as you will end up in a tribunal. It particularly suits embittered creative types, and often leads to a perverse mutual appreciation. It’s also probably a situation you don’t want to get into with Jack Bauer.
