In all honesty, I haven't loved a George Clooney film for a while. The Monuments Men should have been renamed The Monuments Meh (I'm here all week! Try the goulash, and don't forget to tip your waitress). Gravity was a one-night stand of a movie – a film you enjoy once, maybe, but never, ever feel the need to experience again. In fact, to find a Clooney film I properly enjoyed I'd have to go all the way back to Fantastic Mr Fox, released back in the time of yore (ie 2009).

Now, though, a new Clooney storyline has emerged that everyone can get behind: it's George Clooney versus the Daily Mail. This week, Clooney issued what the Mail would call "a stinging rebuke" to a story that ran in the paper claiming that the mother of Clooney's fiancee, Amal Almuddin, opposed their upcoming marriage on religious grounds.

Clooney said he wasn't so fussed by the fact that journalists at the Mail "sit at their computers and invent" stories, such as that the Clooney-Almuddin wedding will take place on the set of Downton Abbey, or that his mother-in-law hates him (I appreciate that the Mail thinks people from the Middle East are all from a different planet – Planet Extremist Terrorist – but a woman would surely have to come from a different dimension to be upset that her daughter has decided to marry Dr Doug Ross). Rather, he objected to the way the paper "exploits religious differences where none exist", to which Britain responds: "Welcome to Britain's rightwing press, George! Would you like some halal meat on your Pizza Express takeaway?"

Clooney's riposte may not have had the charming brevity of Kate Moss's description of the Mail – "They just get on everyone's tits, don't they?" But still, it packs a suave Clooney-esque punch. The Mail, uncharacteristically cowed, removed the story from its website and, more characteristically, issued a mealy-mouthed apology, insisting the story was published "in good faith" and was written by a writer who has "strong connections with senior members of the Lebanese community".

Yes, because if there's one thing the Daily Mail is known for – along with quasi-paedophile-like lechery over underage girls, an obsession with women's bodies and fertility, climate change denial and bitter snobbery against the working class – it's their deeply embedded contacts among Middle Eastern communities.

Clooney rightly spotted that this apology is the media equivalent of someone saying "sorry if you were offended", and accused the paper of having printed "a premeditated lie" and thereby exposed itself as "the worst kind of tabloid". And then, like a scene straight out of Syriana, Clooney strolled away from that firebomb, doubtless flaunting his legs, as the Daily Mail would put it.

Clooney is known for his humanitarian work, and so I'm pleased he has found a suitably British humanitarian cause ahead of his marriage to his London-based fiancee. Britain may not be Darfur but, by God, there is work to be done here.

And if there's one common enemy that unites Clooney's largely liberal fanbase, it is surely the Daily Mail, a paper as well read as it is loathed. The only way he could have endeared himself more to his future countrymen-by- marriage would be if he'd taken on the Mail while simultaneously rescuing a dog and buying pants at M&S.

Of course, Clooney benefits here by being an American superstar – as does Angelina Jolie, who has announced she is suing the Mail "for gross violation of privacy". Unlike British folk, such as Ed Miliband, Lily Allen and Stephen Fry, who have protested against the Mail's coverage of them in the past, Clooney and Jolie don't have to sweat the Mail's payback, which has long been the way tabloids have held people to ransom.

Yes, it would be nice if one didn't need to be one of the most famous people on the planet in order to make the media give a toss, but let's make like Cool Clooney and see this glass half full. After all, the man's been preparing for this role his entire life!

The Peacemaker, The American, Syriana, The Good German: if you're casting a film about a principled but flawed man waging a lone battle against an evil spectre, you cast Clooney. It can also be seen as the sequel to his best film, Good Night and Good Luck, in which the lead character specifically warns about media manipulation. So let's make this film happen: George Clooney Versus the Daily Mail.

Ed Miliband (eating a bacon sandwich): "I took on the Mail when they accused my father of hating Britain. Ha ha! I win!"

Stephen Fry: "Yeah, and they've run stories about what a weirdo you are ever since. Whereas I wrote a blog about the evilness of the Mail. I win!"

Paul Dacre (cackling evilly): "Ha ha! I have you all in my thrall. You hate me but everyone reads me. Ha ha!"

Britain: "Help! We are all held hostage by this rag. The more we hate it the more power it gets!"

George Clooney (striding out, like a boss): "What is this piece of crap?"

Angelina Jolie (striding out in a leather catsuit): "I'm on your side, George."

George: "Let's do this." (Flicks it away with his baby finger.)

Dacre: "Gahhhhh!"

I'm seeing blockbuster, Georgie baby.

Twitter: @HadleyFreeman