Film-maker, coffee brewer, Danger Mouse collaborator: David Lynch is a man of many talents. It therefore comes as little surprise that he has branched out into fashion – specifically, designing odd-looking, pastel-coloured sportswear for "holistic health" brand Live the Process, in order to promote transcendental meditation. So far, so Goop. But since his last film, Inland Empire, was eight years ago, perhaps diversifying isn't such a bad idea. In case other directors find themselves in a bit of a dry spell, here are some possible plan B careers for them to consider.
Michael Bay Demolition man
Boom! Crash! Bang! Explosions! More explosions! Inappropriate comments about woman walking by. Gruff, half-mumbled man-talk. Repeat, gradually increasing the volume and duration of each demolition. Bay would leave all the technical bits to the huge team around him, who would only allow him to press the red button when the right time came.
David Cronenberg Surgeon
Combining a razor-sharp precision in dissecting the darker recesses of the human psyche with a fondness for blood and gore, Cronenberg could probably wield a mean scalpel. The only concern would be that, mid-operation, he would stick his hand into the incision and start throwing bodily organs around the operating room to make a comment about technology and intimacy in the modern world.
Baz Luhrmann Circus ringmaster
Spectacle would be the main feature in Baz's flying circus: bright lights, lovely ladies dressed in feathers and pearls, histrionic music, fireworks and animals (mainly cows, flown in specially from Australia), all mixed up in a melodramatic cocktail of tears and romance, ending with a song-and-dance number. The flamboyant boldness of his vision would be matched only by his uncanny ability to match performers with someone they have zero chemistry with.
Kathryn Bigelow Criminal barrister
The sang-froid with which Bigelow confronted accusations of being pro-torture in Zero Dark Thirty showed she is unflappable, and unafraid of controversy. With ruthless intelligence, analytical thinking and ability to look at a particular event from both sides, she has the makings of a top criminal barrister. The moral ambiguity wouldn't hurt either.
Michael Haneke Funeral director
Haneke's funerals would be characterised by quiet dignity, devastating but understated tragedy, and the ever-present threat of violence. The role would afford him quiet and solitude, and an even greater understanding of one of his favourite subjects, death. In the same vein, Werner Herzog might gravitate towards veterinary medicine, allowing him to lecture children about "ze cruelty off nature" as he gives Mr Snuffles a lethal injection.
