Have you used a pen this week? Held a piece of paper? Seen any envelopes? Don't be surprised if any of this rings a bell – after all, it's National Stationery Week, the annual extravaganza that also takes in the London Stationery Show, a sprawling trade event in the capital's Business Design Centre.
Like most reasonable people, I have since adolescence felt a bit funny when confronted by large quantities of stationery, be this in a retail environment or that holy grail of regular employment, the office stationery cupboard. Having heard that 2014's stationery show will be the biggest yet I have decided to attend its opening day and, delegate's pass in hand, I head into the main room.
Immediately, I am confronted by an orgy of writing implements, pads, gadgets and accessories.
Some participants, such as UniBall, whose mighty Eye is celebrating its 20th year as the country's most popular pen, are established brands, but new products are also hoping to catch the eye of the stationery world.
Munki Notes occupies the first stand I visit; today marks the launch of a new range of notepads and when I explain that I'm doing some important journalism for a national newspaper, I am handed something with Reporter's Notebook printed on the front. "This is the one for you," says a man called Druman. Yes, I think. This is the one for me. Today is already brilliant.
Many of the company's other products attempt to pull off a design style that people with little direct experience of excitement would probably describe as "jazzy", and Munki has produced separate designs for men and women. Some of the "female" ones, Druman shows me, have owls on the front. I express doubts that owl fandom is so clearly divided along gender lines. "Maybe," he says. "But they also have different colours to the men's ones."
Two stalls along is a more innovative product: a tiny writing device called a Jackpen, which connects to the headphone socket of a mobile phone. "They use German ink!" says one of the men on the stall. What's good about German ink? "Well German ink simply lasts longer. It's like anything German, it's just better, isn't it?"
Apparently, the Jackpen is already selling well. "Is it a gadget?" one Jackpen founder wonders out loud. "Yes! Is it also a stationery product? Yes! It ticks a lot of boxes."
"Literally!" we both say at the same time, creating a comedic black hole so immense that I have no option but to leave the scene immediately.
In any case I'm due elsewhere. In a slightly curious turn of events, the stationery show's organisers saw my request for accreditation last week and asked if I would be interested in helping judge this year's stationery awards, which highlight new or updated product lines. Too bloody right, I said.
The upshot is that the awards' six-strong panel of stationery heavyweights comprises buyers from Sainsbury's, Ryman, The Penshop, independent company Paperwaits (which was founded by John – wait for it – Wait) and Waterstones, plus someone who just really likes pens.
I arrive in the judging room and they're talking about Paperworld, a big stationery event in Frankfurt. I am already hopelessly out of my depth. "Are you very involved with stationery?" asks chairwoman Henri Davis. Well, I say, I write things down. "But do you enjoy writing them down?" It depends on the implement, I answer. "Well!" she gasps. She looks delighted.
"There you go! You do care! That's great."
Reassured that I am one of the gang, I'm ready to start judging, but when I'm handed the score sheets I realise that I don't have anything to write with. "Does anyone have a pen?" I ask, a request that only I seem to find amusing. A pen is located and I begin making notes on the 262 products laid out around the room. As you might imagine there are too many highlights – not to mention highlighters – to describe, but there's one briefly embarrassing incident when I attempt to impress a fellow judge by tearing a tearproof envelope, and fail miserably.
While results are totted up – a new Stabilo range will ultimately be crowned this year's most innovative new product – Stationery Week's managing director Chris Leonard-Morgan discusses a survey on the National Stationery Week website. He seems particularly pleased with two statistics: 73% of respondents claim to own more than 15 pens, and four out of 10 people had written a "letter, notecard or postcard" in the last week. "Not bad," Chris witheringly declares, "for a nation that apparently doesn't write any more."
This isn't the first time today that reference has been made to tough times in the pen world, the latest industry to find itself under siege as technology marches on. When I mention this to Chris, the mood shifts in a way I haven't experienced since the time I told Lady Gaga that one of her songs sounded a bit like Madonna. "I personally know that what's said and the reality are two different things," he states. "Because it's convenient for national newspapers to say nobody writes any more. And it's just not true. It's a convenient headline. The retailers here will tell you the facts."
One judge does indeed confirm Chris' statement, and that is that.
Back in the main room I browse the stands and as the afternoon wears on I am, as predicted, feeling a bit funny. Hysteria sets in. I try to make the winningly eccentric lady on the Leuchtturm posh notebook stand go and start a fight with the Moleskine team; she refuses, but does tell me that if I ever wish to write in blood it won't seep through her notebooks' pages. On another stand, I somehow end up in a five-minute conversation about foam board. Elsewhere I meet someone who tells me how much money he has poured into his labour of love, only to request that this figure is not printed as his wife is somehow oblivious to the extent of his spending. Another exhibitor is desperate not to be quoted about a series of "beware of the dog" signs.
Others are less cagey. At the Snopake stand I meet retail sales manager Mark Wallace. One of the displays contains sticky notes, gluesticks and correction fluid. What we seem to have here, I say to Mark, are Post-its, Pritt Stick and Tipp-Ex. Why are Snopake products a better buy?
"Well," he says with admirable candour, "in some cases we're not! But you raise a pertinent point. You pointed to this [gesticulates towards what is basically some Tipp-Ex] and said 'Tipp-Ex'. The Snopake brand was actually out before Tipp-Ex. Tipp-Ex have just done a fantastic job marketing it over the years, and we didn't."
A British, family-owned company, Snopake apparently dates back to 1955.
Did you invent Post-its and Pritt Stick as well? "Far from it," he laughs, and I laugh, and off I go in search of some more modern innovation.
On a small stand near the back of the hall, I think I find it: like the Jackpen, it's a Dragons' Den-friendly invention, this time addressing head-on the problem of how hard it is to fold a piece of paper. The Fold-Ease is a patented gadget a bit like a rubber thimble with wheels on the bottom. I ask inventor Rupert Evans, who funded the whole thing through his job as a flood risk consultant, how many he has sold so far today. "Well, none yet," he says, but the Fold-Ease is a smart gadget at a decent price point – just £2.99 – so I hope it does well and that Rupert's company isn't forced to … What's the expression? Cease trading, I suppose.
At the end of an exciting day I check back in on the Munki Notes team. I've spent the afternoon feeling despondent about their uninspiring design and owls-for-the-ladies sales pitch. How could they hope to stand out in a room so hell-bent on innovation? But when I get to their stall, they're bidding two buyers farewell with firm, enthusiastic handshakes. Maybe business has been all right after all.
"We've had quite a lot of interest in our Project Books," Druman says. "They really like the design and the quality compared to others." I needn't have been concerned at all; they've generated 25 good-quality leads since this morning. "It's been very, very good," Druman adds. "We're really excited."
He does look incredibly excited. But stationery, even with owls on it, really is an exciting business.
As I leave the show I find myself hoping, for the sake of everyone I've met during this Stationery Week blowout, that pens and their ilk aren't just seen as something we use for seven days each year. I will definitely use a pen next week, I vow. Maybe even the week after.
