Position yourself as 'The New Someone'
With big names such as American Hustle's David O Russell now churning out work like overactive indie photocopiers, it can be hard to convince audiences that a new film from Joe Bloggs is worth their time. For this reason, it's vital that you shed any hopes of auteurdom and instead follow dutifully in the footsteps of an existing great. Do you have a passing interest in nature? Why, you must be the new Malick. Is your film a heartwarming tale of family reunion? Howdy, new Spielberg. At the very least, have all your actors shout their dialogue into each other's faces and become the new David O Russell.
Abandon your dreams
If your film isn't one of the lucky few to spark frantic, coke-fuelled bidding wars in palatial hotel suites, you might want to temper your dreams of instant fame and wealth. Many of today's most exciting independent films now debut on streaming services like Netflix, online stores like iTunes, or those little cardboard slipcases that occasionally fall out of newspapers. Accept it: your film may never fill an 800-seater West End cinema with baffled tourists, but it'll look nice enough on one of those fancy new Kindles.
Try 'peacocking'
No matter how big a fish you might be in the small pond of your local community, chances are you're an amoeba in the vast ocean of an international film festival. Rise above the din by following the advice laid out in a thousand "pick-up artist" manuals (the ones that teach men how to get women and lose all sense of personal space) and wear something outlandish – a dressing gown, hair extensions, some nice clogs – as you stroll through town hawking your wares.
Never leave home without a metric tonne of promotional crap
Festivals such as SXSW are awash with irritating street teams desperately trying to distribute branded hand sanitisers in aid of a new Karen Gillan-starring horror movie, or grilled-cheese sandwiches sponsored by a social-connectivity app (both real examples). Keep up with the competition by amassing your own stockpile of useless crap that will soon provide ballast for every trash can within a square mile of the convention centre.
Ameliorate your vocabulary
Remember: you're now an important, culturally valuable artist, and you ought to have a stupendous, splendiferous, pulchritudinous vocabulary to match. So stop calling your film "something I stuck together with a couple of friends and a rented DSLR" and start spreading the word about your transformative odyssey through the labyrinthine realm of geopolitical networking trends (82 minutes plus credits).
Lie through your teeth
Talky relationship dramas about disaffected twentysomething baristas trying to make ends meet (and find a little time for their writing) don't tend to permeate the public consciousness with ease, so when describing your film, endeavour to accentuate the positive. In other words, bullshit to your heart's desire. From now on, both you and your marketing materials will follow the party line: that you're here with an explosive action romp about a rookie cop forced to take on a world of corruption and bureaucracy as he struggles to restore order to the mean streets of South Central (and find a little time for his writing).
If all else fails, be Zach Braff
At the end of the day, there's only so much that you can achieve while shackled to the ranks of the proletariat. If you're ever going to gain entry to the corridors of indie film-making power (also known as the corridors of Harvey Weinstein's yacht) you must learn a skill that only one man has truly mastered: being Zach Braff. Plastic surgery will be required to fully perfect the look, but you can get pretty close with a navy blue hoodie, a Shins T-shirt and a sack full of crowd-funded cash.
Beyond Clueless will be showing in multiplexes throughout the UK, just as soon as Charlie puts this foolproof seven-point plan into effect over here
