Name: Conscious uncoupling.

Age: Recently emerged.

Appearance: Wholeness in separation.

That doesn't make any sense. You ain't heard nothing yet, mate.

What is conscious uncoupling? It's something that Coldplay's Chris Martin and acting's Gwyneth Paltrow are trying out just now.

Is it a mediation technique? A new-fangled therapy? It's more of a divorce.

No! Or at least a separation.

But they seemed made for each other, like artichokes and quinoa rigatoni. They're consciously splitsville, according to a statement on Paltrow's website Goop.

I thought Goop was full of weird recipes and silly detox diets. That stuff is still there. But the newest post is an announcement headed "Conscious Uncoupling" that begins: "It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate."

What else? They've asked for their privacy to be respected as they "consciously uncouple and co-parent."

Conscious uncoupling – it sounds like something she made up. Apparently it's a thing. She has also posted a long treatise on the subject from Dr Habib Sadeghi and Dr Sherry Sami.

So how is it different from a normal, completely acrimonious separation? "Conscious uncoupling brings wholeness to the spirits of both people who choose to recognise each other as their teacher. If they do, the gift they receive from their time together will neutralise the negative internal object that was the real cause of their pain in the relationship."

OK. Who gets the car? That's not spelled out, but there's something about constructing an internal cathedral with spiritual trace minerals of self-love and self-forgiveness.

Oh, right. That clears that up then. Chris and Gwyneth were together for a long time, weren't they? Ten years. The general reaction on Twitter seems to be that if they can't make it work, no one can.

But by the same token, if they can get divorced, so can I! Are you even married?

I've always kept that part of my life private. Sorry.

Do say: "Drink plenty of water, cultivate your feminine energy, keep building that spiritual endoskeleton and don't forget to try the blueberry and almond smoothie."

Don't say: "After I got divorced I went out and did a lot of unconscious coupling, and that sort of worked too."