A college dorm. Two half-dressed co-ed hardbodies lie on the bed. Victoria's Secret underwear is scattered on the floor.
Kate: I got a cold and can't interview the enigmatic billionaire Christian Grey for the student newspaper.
Ana: Screw you then. I'll do it.
Mr Grey's penthouse office. He is wearing a Dolce & Gabbana suit and eating a giant-panda carpaccio salad, while bench-pressing 130kg.
Ana: W-wow.
Grey: Struck dumb, Miss Steele? I like that in a woman. My Sikorsky S-76B helicopter will pick you up at seven for dinner.
A dwarf is giving Ana a full-Brazilian wax as Grey enters the room, wearing nothing but his Rolex and pristine white Calvin Klein underpants.
Grey: I see you've met Tom Cruise ... Now just sign this contract, you slut. I'm the Dominant, so I get to smack you about. In return, I'll give you a laptop.
Ana: Oh God, you make me so wet. But I am a virgin, so I'd be grateful if you could go easy on me.
Grey: You drive a hard mother-fuckin' bargain.
Grey's dungeon, decorated throughout in polar bear and tiger skins. Ana is nailed to a crucifix. Grey thrashes her with a snakeskin riding crop. She cries out with pleasure as they climax eight times.
Ana: Oh my God. You're the best, Christian. You know ... I think I might be falling in love with you.
Grey: What are you on about?
Ana: But isn't this the moment when you're supposed to say that you have some deep childhood issues that make you terrified of expressing your feelings, yet with me you sense you may be able to work through that and fall properly in love?
Bret Easton Ellis enters the room followed by a pit bull sporting a $150,000 diamond-encrusted collar from Tiffany's.
Bret: You shoulda got yourself another screenwriter if that's the kind of mommy porn you wanted.
Ana: What the hell are you doing here?
Bret: I like to appear in my own work.
Ana: OK, then. As long you don't expect me to screw the dog.
Bret: Why would I let you do that?
Bret snorts five grams of cocaine while the pit bull performs oral sex on him.
Grey: Respect, dude.
Grey's Seattle beachfront mansion. Ana is sitting in an electric chair. Smoke is rising from her breasts as Grey enters the room, wearing nothing but his Rolex and stained white Calvin Klein underpants.
Ana: Oh darling, I want you so much. Do you think if I let you degrade me even more then eventually you might just be able to love me a little bit?
Grey: I really doubt it. But if you just roll over on to your hardbodied belly while I turn up the voltage, then I'm happy to give it another go.
Ana: Oh … ahh ... ahhh .... aghh. I LOVE YOU. I've never come so intensely.
Grey: Nah, the love thing's still not really doing it for me. How would you like a drive in my Lamborghini Aventador LP700-4?
Ana is alone back in her college dorm, sobbing on her unmade Walmart bed.
Ana: Sometimes I wonder if Christian will ever overcome his commitment phobia. Maybe one day he'll come to love me ...
Bret: But not today.
Bret grabs her from behind and slits her throat with a razor-sharp Sabatier knife.
Grey: You fuckin' psycho. There were supposed to be at least two sequels.
Cut to closing credits.
