You want to sleep with Kelly Brook. Lost in Showbiz wants to sleep with Kelly Brook. Everyone wants to sleep with Kelly Brook! Even Kelly Brook wants to sleep with Kelly Brook. There's no point in denying it. If everyone in the world didn't want to sleep with Kelly Brook, then she wouldn't remain so prominent in the public consciousness.

Since her days on The Big Breakfast, Kelly has been cruelly ridiculed for her acting roles (from "Beautiful Woman in Painting" in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, to "Lyle's Girlfriend" in 2003's reimagining of The Italian Job). Perhaps it's her beauty that has undermined her ability to land roles that have actual names rather than vague character descriptions. People are sometimes sceptical about the artistic credibility of people born with uncannily symmetrical features. But probably it's just because she really is a bit rubbish at acting.

Brook is crazy-pretty and seems quite nice and that's why she stays famous. And if you can't get away with being famous just for being pretty at the Cannes film festival, then where can you get away with it? Anyway, that's where Kelly was this week, promoting her new film, Keith Lemon: the Movie (in which she plays the character "Kelly Brook", which – as a named part – does at least represent some progress). During a publicity shoot for the movie, a French millionaire, known only as "Frédéric", is reported to have stormed on to the set and made Kelly an Indecent Proposal: €1m in return for a single night "in her company".

And they say Frenchmen are the world's greatest lovers. Surely the most indecent part of his proposal was that it was made in units of the world's most crisis-stricken currency. Even had she considered the offer – which she did not – Kelly's busy Cannes diary would probably have prevented her from completing her side of the deal until the end of the week. By which time €1m would be unlikely to afford her so much as a can of Sprite down La Croisette.

I'll tell you what. If an eccentric French millionaire had the temerity to offer Lost in Showbiz €1m for a night in our company, we would slap him round his rotten face (then quietly accept when nobody was looking – not everyone can afford to be as dignified as Kelly Brook).