It is an inevitability that the line "I've got a bad feeling about this" will pop up in Battleship, a movie inspired by a board game, with all the innovation of a dot-to-dot puzzle. What makes Battleship special is the lateness of its deployment: the line pops up after the alien invasion, following the destruction of Hong Kong and once two of the (four-strong) fleet of tugs that are our only hope of salvation have been blown to bits. If you found Transformers just a touch too subtle, this is the film for you. It might still be even if you didn't: there's something of the big dumb puppy to Battleship, whose risible tricks unite the crowd in indulgent giggles. Liam Neeson is our steely commander; navy recruits Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgård and Rihanna run about decks getting fetchingly wet and barking: "I don't know why – just make sure your ass is on it." It's also one of the noisiest films you'll see, soundtracked by the endless gargle of engine-room groans, with counterpoint from the hydraulically-powered armour in which our aliens lumber puffily about.