Black Death (2010)
Director: Christopher Smith
Entertainment grade: C
History grade: E+

The Black Death was a bubonic plague pandemic that struck Europe between 1347 and 1350.

Disease

The film begins in England in the winter of 1348. A victim is laid out on a table, blood pouring from his armpits. Gross, but accurate: plague buboes are usually found in the neck, groin or armpit. An early symptom of plague is painful armpits. If your armpits are hurting right now, bear in mind that in the 21st century a more common cause of armpit pain is reading the sentence: "An early symptom of plague is painful armpits." The film's characters are short on medical knowledge, and think God is punishing them for sin.

Medicine

A gang of mercenaries led by Ulric (Sean Bean) roam the countryside looking for sinners. They're all black leather trousers and greasy hair, and when they stand together in a windswept landscape they look just like a 1990s Depeche Mode video. Instead of serenading the sinners with moody electronica, though, they're going to kill them. Because what Europe needed during the Black Death was more dead people. Killing them quickly wouldn't be fun, so they bring along a portable torture cart. It's sort of like a malignant ice-cream van covered in spikes. Best not to ask for a Mr Whippy.

Religion

Ulric ropes in clueless monk Osmund (Eddie Redmayne) to lead him to the village of his secret girlfriend, Averill (Kimberley Nixon). The village has escaped the plague – therefore, Ulric deduces, it must be a den of sorcery. The inhabitants appear to be cuddly, nature-worshipping pagans. If you've seen The Wicker Man, you'll guess what happens next: the pagans turn out not to be so cuddly. The difference is that The Wicker Man (the original 1973 version, not the egregious 2006 remake) is enthralling and imaginative, whereas Black Death is uneven and silly.

Folklore

Black Death approaches the height of its silliness when a witch fakes Averill's death with poison, then revives her as a zombie. There were stories of "revenants" – walking corpses – in medieval England, notably those told by William of Newburgh in his 12th century Historia rerum Anglicarum. But William was writing two centuries before the Black Death, and zombie revivification by magic is associated with west African Vodou – which was not a common religion in 14th-century England. Not even among fashionable people who dressed like 1990s Depeche Mode.

Witches

One of the mercenaries tells horrid stories. "There's a village in the north that burned 128 witches in one night," he says. "By the time that night was through, they'd killed every woman in the village. By the end of that week, the men were shagging pigs." How quaint. It's unlikely, though, that 128 witches were burned anywhere in northern England one night in 1348. Witches were not systematically hunted in 14th-century England. Pagan practices were not considered anti-Christian, and indeed were commonly carried out by Christians. Except in cases of murder or treason, witchcraft was rarely taken seriously by English courts before the 16th century. Furthermore, the idea that witches were mostly female originated 138 years after this film is set, with the inquisitional treatise Malleus Maleficarum. So the premise of this movie – that the Black Death produced a woman-murdering witch craze – is cobblers.

Vengeance

Nevertheless, it's all been a bit much for Osmund. He ends up galloping round the country burning random women at the stake to make himself feel better. At this point the film changes tack from The Wicker Man to Witchfinder General, which is correctly set in the real English witch craze of the 1640s. In these closing scenes, Osmund's tonsure has grown back. That doesn't entirely convey that he would have had to wait almost 300 years to become a freelance witch-hunter.

Verdict

Turning the Black Death into an action movie sounds interesting, but ripping off other movies when you run out of plot suggests it's not interesting enough.