The worst thing, obviously, about television commercials is their brevity. Sure, the webuyanycar.com advert is fun, but just imagine how incredible it'd be if it was extended into a feature-length version. Two hours of that jingle, repeated relentlessly over and over like some sort of dotcom-era Clockwork Orange rehabilitation video. It would be a stone-cold sensation. Watch out, Avatar.
Fortunately, 20th Century Fox has picked up on the public's desire to see unnecessarily long television commercials, which is why it has just hired a writer to pen a screenplay based on the E*Trade baby advertising campaign. If you're unfamiliar with the E*Trade babies, they're basically some babies that talk about the stock market quite a lot.
The campaign may have gained a sliver of notoriety in recent weeks – Lindsay Lohan filed a $100m (£65m) lawsuit against E*Trade last month because one of the babies was called Lindsay and declared herself to be a "milkaholic" – but essentially they're just some babies talking about the stock market. And now there's going to be a film about them. Joy.
As awful as it sounds, though, turning an advert into a film isn't an entirely unprecedented move. Jim Varney's Ernest character, of Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail and Slam Dunk Ernest fame, began life in a dairy commercial; and ABC ran a short-lived sitcom based on the Geico cavemen campaign in 2007.
But let's assume that the E*Trade film will take the advert movie movement into the mainstream, because a) talking babies are cute and b) there are a lot of idiots around. When that happens, you can guarantee that other ad characters will make their bid for glory, too. But who will be next? Here are the likely candidates.
The Go Compare man and the Compare the Market meerkat
Surely the two favourites to become movie stars. It doesn't matter what vehicle they're given. They're both as recognisable as Brad Pitt, as charismatic as George Clooney and as popular as William Shatner. Whatever film they appear in, be it a comedy or a drama or an erotic thriller, it's sure to be a runaway success – a fact that should depress you quite considerably.
The Glade Touch and Fresh boy
Imagine Ice Cold in Alex. That's what the Touch and Fresh movie would be like. One boy facing a series of insurmountable obstacles stopping him from reaching his ultimate goal – going to the loo in Paul's bathroom. At times failure seems certain, but – spoiler alert – the boy triumphs. He reaches Paul's bathroom, pulls down his pants and has a dump for 10 minutes. The music swells and there's not a dry eye in the house.
The Oven Pride couple
Basically an inverted version of Nil By Mouth, where the woman subjects her husband to a barrage of mental and physical abuse that he's helpless against. Not because he loves her or anything like that, but because he's a man and his stupid man brain can't work out how to tell his arms or legs to move because all male brains are so useless that they may as well be made out of cottage cheese.
The DulcoEase ladies
Look, the advert already wants to be Sex and the City something rotten, so extending it to two hours seems like a no-brainer. It would also give the various ladies the perfect opportunity to discuss their bowels with an almost forensic attention to detail, something that cinema audiences traditionally go crazy for.
The E*Trade babies v the Evian Babies v the Velvet toilet paper baby
A three-way Warriors-style battle for talking-baby supremacy. Who'll emerge victorious? The street-smarts of the Evian kids? The financial nous of the E*Trade babies? Or will the toilet paper boy utilise his corporate muscle and doom his competitors to a lifetime of grovelling servitude? It's only a matter of time before we find out, probably.
