Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
2006, 12, Buena Vista £24.99

Clunky acting, lousy dialogue, lumpen direction, non-existent plotting - it's all here, me hearties, in this harrumphingly leaden second instalment in the ongoing Pirates saga. Built around a misfiring narrative which dispatches its lead characters on umpteen different quests, Dead Man's Chest amounts to little more than a spectacular stop-gap for the forthcoming At World's End in which (it is fervently to be hoped) some of the straggling storylines will actually be resolved.

The original culprits are all present and correct: Johnny Depp, drawling his way through another gurning, eyerolling, unfunny Keith Richards impression; Keira Knightley in trademark haughty head-girl mode; and 'Orloondo Bland', the world's most singularly uncharismatic 'romantic lead', looking more like a little boy lost than a suave swashbuckler.

All are overshadowed, however, by newcomer Bill Nighy, whose squid-faced adversary Davy Jones (courtesy of state-of-the-art motion capture technology) provides one of the film's very few highlights. Inspired by a Disneyland themepark ride (which is more exciting and doesn't drag on for two-and-a-half hours), this perfunctory sequel achieved terrifying box-office success, taking more than $1bn worldwide. As a comment on the moribund state of modern mainstream cinema, this is alarming indeed.

The DVD will doubtless do equally well, with the dual-disc set packing in a further two-hours-plus of featurettes for those whose souls have not been utterly crushed by the feature. The 'writers' (yes, there was actually a script in there somewhere) bravely offer a commentary track, which is more than can be said for uber-hack director Gore Verbinski.

Yo bloody ho.