Last week I overheard my beloved talking on the phone. The conversation went like this: "Well, it's bigger than it was last week..."
"No, no, quite squishy really..."
"So I shouldn't flick it. Doctors. OK."
Bless the NHS helpline. It is there in your hour of need. You can ask them anything. But maybe you do not want to. A fuzzy lump on your knee is one thing, but if you have wind that would knock the socks off Bill Giles, well, that is something you would rather keep quiet. And here is where the net can help. Your computer will remain unflinchingly inscrutable as you search for words that you could not possibly say out loud. But you don't even need to search. Go straight to www. embarrassingproblems.co.uk for well-explained information and advice on all those niggles that dare not speak their name.
It's no sniggering matter. Experts say that we are all in a pre-illness state, living our lives in a way that is storing up health problems that will blitz us just when we have struggled free of work and kids and gained the confidence to finally be ourselves. Strike first! There are tons of sites out there that have good advice on how to give yourself the chance of a healthy dotage. My favourite is www.thriveonline.com. It is very USA, but in a good way, and an ideal place to start if you really want to do something about your health this time. Its broad range of practical advice and interactive tools is ideal for a beginner to plan a campaign for a bouncy, ripe old age.
For the plan to work you need to find out what state you are in now, and work from there. First, check how tubby you are with the body mass index calculator. If you are so shocked by the result that your kneejerk reaction is to dive into the Doritos, then try the healthy recipe ideas. Once you have got your American/English food dictionary to hand, you can rustle up some tasty treats that don't involve lard and golden syrup. The site takes the dreariness out of choosing the healthy option, and makes changing your lifestyle manageable.
Nip over to Oprah's website and choose the life stages button of the mind and body section to calculate your real age. You may be 40 with a physique that Denise Lewis/Colin Jackson would kill for, but your life habits may persuade your body that you are a gnarled old duffer about to indulge in some serious clog-popping. This tool shows you where your danger zones lie. Skip the life expectancy calculator at www.bbc.co.uk/health as facing your own mortality so bluntly is too freaky for words.
Many illnesses are diet related and thus utterly preventable. You probably don't put away a truckload of chips every night, but make sure your diet is sensible by visiting the preventative section at www.achaheart.org. This site has good links to food information and a nutritional analysis tool. Bung in your boiled egg and soldiers and it will tell you what you've just eaten in scientific terms. You can analyse everything you ever eat. It's handy but could be hard work if you take it to extremes.
Of course, the single thing that would give you a chance of holding your first grandchild or seeing Lincoln City lead the Premiership is to stop smoking. But it's so hard! Make it less so by visiting www.quit.org.uk which is stuffed with practical tools to help you prepare to stop and find the quitting method that will suit you best.
OK, you have packed in the evil weed and your diet is impeccable. Next, you should plan to be able to run more than a few yards to keep up with your little nephews. You need an exercise that will get you enjoyably sweaty, and there are heaps of fitness sites out there. www.runnersworld.com has good advice for the trainee runner, but if like me you are too ashamed to display your flabby acres to the world then www.ivillage.co.uk has a beguiling sofa workout and www.exercisevideosreviews.com will help you through the exercise video minefield.
All this talk of exercise is probably making you dizzy. And nauseous. And is that a rash just starting? Could it be something more sinister than an allergy to Lycra? Check out your symptoms at www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk which has a broad range of common illnesses to choose from. So too does www.medicdirect.co.uk which also encourages self-examination, with videos to help you prod yourself correctly.
It is probably nothing, but it might be something. Ditch the guilt and take your problem to your overworked GP. Don't be embarrassed. She is likely to have seen one far more bulgy/crusty/hairy than yours. In fact, you could probably help her by showing her the relaxation exercises at www.ohwell.cc. Even in her frazzled state she probably won't prescribe you horse liniment instead of dermatitis cream, but don't take chances. Visit www.rxlist.com, a US drug index that gives you information on more than 4,500 popular drugs with the corresponding UK brand names. If you like a challenge, you can read it in Spanish too.
Of course you should always visit your doctor if you have any symptom that is worrying you, rather than rely on information from the web. But if you use the web as a resource for getting fitter and healthier, there is a chance you will never have to go to the doctor again.
