This week sees the release of Melania, Amazon’s official feature-length documentary about Melania Trump. Melania was directed by Brett Ratner, and has a reported $40m production budget. And, obviously, you’re probably not going to watch it.
Of course you’re not. Coming days after the killing of Alex Pretti by a US Border Patrol agent, an authorised vanity project about the current wife of a globally unpopular political leader – and directed by a man accused of sexual assault by multiple women (he was never charged, and denies the allegations), and whose production and release carried the smell of institutionalised media timidity – seems like just about the least appealing prospect ever. But, hey, any excuse for a party, right?
On Saturday, a special screening of Melania was organised in the White House, in a makeshift cinema that had to be erected due to the ongoing construction of the White House ballroom. It was attended by what the Hollywood Reporter describes as “70 assorted VIPs”, including Amazon’s Andy Jassy, Apple’s Tim Cook, Queen Rania of Jordan and Mike Tyson. Amazon has thrown a $35m marketing budget at Melania, some of which could be seen at Saturday’s screening. If the images from the event are any indication, there should be quite a lot of it left over.
Guests reportedly left the screening heaving with Melania merch, which included framed Melania screening tickets, black and white cookies bearing the name Melania, a limited-edition version of Melania’s book, Melania, and commemorative black and white Melania popcorn boxes. Additionally, judging by photos of the event, snacks included black and white M&Ms, black and white chocolate-covered pretzels, black and white macarons and a central display of white cake pops. In other words, it’s exactly what you would find at a baby shower thrown for someone who happens to suffer from debilitating achromatopsia.
Another cute fact about the screening is that, as they arrived, guests were treated to a full military band playing Melania’s Waltz, the central musical theme of the documentary, as written by the film’s composer, Tony Neiman. Obviously, the vast majority of us don’t know what Melania’s Waltz sounds like, but Neiman’s IMDb page lists his work as including eight episodes of Top Chef and 2020’s Russian 3D superhero space opera Cosmoball (‘An enormous spaceship hovers over Earth – this is a stadium, which hosts sports events that resemble soccer but at mind-boggling speeds. The name of the game is cosmoball’) so it’s probably pretty banging.
More will follow. On Thursday, the day before the film’s release, Melania will get its official premiere at the recently renamed The Donald J Trump and the John F Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts.
Details remain under wraps, but it will be interesting to see how much further a big event like this will be able to push the monochrome look established by the White House screening. Will there be a black carpet? Will the popcorn be black? Will someone be able to dig out and dye Melania’s terrifying red Christmas trees from 2018, so the whole place resembles a nightmarish 1920s German expressionist forest? We wait with bated breath.
In truth, if you’re able to squint hard enough to detach yourself from the horrors of everything, there’s something sort of sweet about this rollout. Clearly, Melania wishes that her documentary was a Sex and the City-style cultural phenomenon, a stylish and chic luxury brand that all the girlies can enjoy together. Obviously that’s quite hard to accomplish when you’ve convinced a quisling media corporation to finance a $40m ego massage during a tipping point of global insecurity instigated largely by your husband, but you can’t blame a woman for trying.
Again, in reality, you’ll probably end up skipping Melania to watch something less depressing, like Die My Love or a documentary about asbestos inhalation. That said, the lucky attenders of the White House screening should keep hold of the merchandise they received on Saturday. Sure, a framed and numbered cinema ticket may not have all that much value at the moment. But 50 years from now, any number of upsetting niche collectors will be willing to pay top dollar for it on the dark web. Just be sure to keep it in a safe, to stop it getting destroyed during the upcoming civil war riots.
