Name: Wetzel & Sons.
Age: 39.
Appearance: The four housemen of the celebrity apartcalypse.
What? That doesn’t even make a scrap of sense. Oh, sorry. Wetzel & Sons is a removal firm based in California.
OK, but what the hell is a “celebrity apartcalypse”? It’s when famous people split up. Look, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have just announced their divorce, and they hired Wetzel & Sons to take their stuff away. I should have just said that instead of trying to write like a celebrity magazine. I know that now. Sorry.
You’re forgiven. Thanks. Anyway, it’s not just Affleck and Garner. Wetzel & Sons’ trucks were also spotted when George Clooney split up with Stacy Kiebler, when Demi Moore split up with Ashton Kutcher and when Katy Perry split up with Russell Brand.
Wait a minute, is this just an advertising fluff piece for Wetzel & Sons? No! It’s absolutely the opposite.
It is? Completely! You should never hire Wetzel & Sons. As soon as people see the trucks outside your house, they’ll call the celebrity magazines and everyone will think you’re getting divorced.
That’s an exaggeration, surely. Not really. Look at this week’s Grazia. Reporters saw that Affleck and Garner had Wetzel & Sons trucks outside their home, and as a result wrote that they were definitely splitting up. A few days later, the couple had officially announced their split. The trucks were a dead giveaway.
Well, that and the fact that the pair both looked genuinely miserable in every photo that’s been taken of them in the past six months. Well, sure, if you want to overanalyse things.
This can’t be good publicity for Wetzel & Sons. You’re right. You’d think by now they would diversify a bit, and maybe send out unmarked trucks to these things, or trucks branded with fake company titles, such as Happytime Sunshine Removals or Definitely Not Divorcing Haulage.
Still, let’s not forget that the real victims are Bennifer. I thought we were going to get the whole way through this without using that word. I hate you.
Do say: “Wetzel & Sons: telegraphing marital misery since 1976.”
Don’t say: “Shall we book them to turn up at Brad Pitt’s house for a laugh?”
