Name: KPC.
Age: Alarmingly new.
Appearance: More sinister than you could ever believe.
Kuwait Petroleum Corporation? Klebsiella pneumoniae Carbapenemase? Kentucky Pried Chicken? None of the above. For the purposes of this piece, KPC stands for Keeping Parents Clueless. It’s a new internet acronym.
And that’s sinister why? Because it’s what your teenage children are definitely typing into the internet right now, as part of their attempt to hide their wild drug-fuelled sex romps from you.
What? My kids are taking drugs and having sex? Of course they are. If you forensically scrutinised your children’s online chat logs whenever they leave the room, you’d know this. But you don’t do that because you’re a bad parent.
My God, you’re right! What else should I be looking for? Have you ever seen your kids type “1174” on to the internet?
You know, I think I have. It means they’re planning a party at a secret location. Oh, and once they’re there, they’ll probably indulge in some heavy KOTL.
KOTL? Kissing on the lips. Then they’ll say “GYPO” (get your pants off), or “IWSN” (I want sex now) before indulging in their “DOC” (drug of choice).
That sounds terrif … wait a minute, drug of choice? Yes. Your definitely drug-addicted children definitely write “DOC” when they’re discussing the drugs they’re imminently about to take.
But my kid’s 13. Thirteen-year-olds don’t say “drug of choice”. That sounds like something a clueless middle-aged parent would make up. Did you hear this on an episode of Brass Eye? No, it’s from a recent CNN report entitled 28 Internet Acronyms Every Parent Should Know.
Oh, I get it. This is one of these scaremongering reports designed to give kids a bad reputation and make you feel bad for being a shoddy parent. Fine, don’t believe me. Just don’t come crying to me when you discover your children 8ing all over the place.
I don’t know what that is. When a teenager types “8” on to the internet, it means they are requesting oral sex. Every single time! Even when they’re doing maths!
You’re being ridiculous. Goodbye. No, don’t go! LMIRL! That means “Let’s meet in real life”! I’m very lonely.
Do say: “LOL.”
Don’t say: “IWSN.”
