How do you make God laugh? It is an old joke. The answer: "Tell him about your plans." The physicist Niels Bohr put it more scientifically: "Prediction is very difficult," he wrote, "especially about the future."
These days, however, if it is the future you seek, you can find a host of helping hands online. The Chinese have been using divination tools for three millennia, so a good place to start is www.myfortune 21.com, "an amalgamation of the wonders of Oriental intelligence and modern scientific technology". Here you can discover your fortune through traditional games such as Shake the Tortoise, or input the date and time of your birth to discover the "weight" of your life.
Apparently, mine weighs 5.6kg, guaranteeing "great success and good fortune". At www.aquarianage.org/china/diary, Ping Wu's Taoist Diary uses Chinese astrology to predict world events. His millennium prediction is for a unified Europe, releasing "unbelievable power" - but also war and dark years until 2003.
You might need a cup of tea after that. Willa G Cline used to offer to drink a cup then give a real tea-leaf reading over the web; it must have been oversubscribed as the service has now been automated www.willa.com/tealeaves/.
There is also a QuickTime tea-cup: give it a stir at www.worldtea.net. Once you have your strength back and feel up to a stronger brew, try www.facade.com. Methods on offer here include Bibliomancy, where a random phrase is plucked from the King James Bible; a variety of Runes (will Microsoft always dominate the desktop? The Gold Runes seem to think so); I-Ching; and even a lawyers' page for instant legal divination. I asked: "How is my mortgage coming along?" and was told, "We have sent the forms which seem right for you." Creepy.
Facade treads a nice line between the occult and self-satire: the biorhythms section produces accurate charts, but if you leave the dates blank you get the life-rhythms of Sandra Bullock. At least, I hope that's satire. Perhaps the most well-known divination tool is the Tarot deck. The Tarot emerged from traditional playing cards in the 16th century, and has since burgeoned into hundreds of styles. Facade offers comprehensive Tarot readings from eight classic decks.
If the concerns of 500 years ago seem outdated, Silicon Valley Tarot promises fortune-telling cards for the information age. ("Cheaper than a consultant. Same results.") The cards are tailored to fit the anxieties of our time: The Layoff replaces Death; Strength has become Double Latte. I asked: "Should we ever buy tech stock again?" and got The Eight of Cubicles: "Time for a sabbatical." We knew that much already.
Other modern divination methods include Aaron's Fortune Telling Program, which claims to "read the psychic impression you have made on your computer over the years." The fortune delivered is strangely specific - apparently, I'll be "caught at the US/Canada border."
There are plenty of other offbeat oracles out there: you can ask a Klingon); Elvis the dog; even the A-Team's Mr T, who, true to form, says "No, sucka!" or "Quit that jibber- jabber!" to just about everything. The accuracy of predictions about the future is debatable.
Still, there is no doubt that the more genuine divination methods such as the Tarot and the I-Ching help focus the mind on troublesome issues, and the accompanying texts are age-old stores of human wisdom. Plus, making predictions is fun. So what does the new millennium hold for mankind? Will George "Dubya" Bush last more than a term? Mr T says: "No, sucka!"
Will 3G mobile live up to its hype - and its hyped licence costs? The Coney Island Fairground Madame says: "Don't travel." Sounds like a no.
Will the world's oil reserves be replaced by alternative energy sources in time to save civilisation? A single card from Facade's St Petersburg Tarot (the Star) indicates "Hope, Faith, Inspiration. Bright prospects." Phew. We will leave the last word to my favourite divination method, the Yes/No floaty pen.
"Are monkeys following me?" Yes, the pen says, but I knew that already. How about the one answer I have always wanted? "Oh, all-wise floaty pen, in this next millennium, will the internet blossom into an all-powerful 'Ur-Mind' which will benevolently rule mankind?" The pen tilts left. No. Oh well. Perhaps we are better off with the physicists after all. "I never think of the future," Einstein said once. "It comes soon enough."
