Who am I? Maybe it's an age thing, but as the internet grows into its teens, adolescent narcissism is increasingly skulking around its edges. From "am I gay?" to "what's my relationship worth?", it's impossible to move online for personality quizzes offering to indulge and classify every insecure aspect of your psyche.
To paraphrase Salvador Dali, if you feel ready to wake up and experience the supreme pleasure of being you, what better place to start than your sexual politics, and where better than the gender roles quiz. Underneath suitably aspirational photos of shiny, happy role models, you're asked to ascribe values of 1-7 to adjectives such as "athletic", "loyal", "theatrical" and "aggressive", according to how well they describe you. Although I'm "aligned in the masculine direction" the results were hardly conclusive (feminine 4.45, masculine 5.55).
If, like me, you feel the need for a second opinion on your sexuality, you might go looking for your workout personality. After answering a list of questions about work and whether your colleagues consider you "quiet and intelligent" or "fun to be around", you receive a breakdown of your personality and a list of what suits you best. I found out I was 50% analytical, 40% spontaneous and 10% inspirational. Sounds good? It isn't. Although I don't mind complexity, it seems I'm a poor leader and my life's always changing.
By now you're probably settling into the online couch, and it's time to start tackling some of the bigger questions. "Are you gay?" For firm answers you can count on the gaudy Sunny Delight world of Channel 4's Metrosexuality Gay-O-Meter. Avoiding subtlety, it asks, "do you sleep with men?", before asking you to confirm or deny a series of stereotypes such as, "are you pierced below the neck?" or "do you consider it obscene to spend more than £100 on a shirt?" The results were for once conclusive and as long as homosexuality equates to mardi-gras style flamboyance, I'm only 12% gay.
You might also want to know what kind of heterosexual you are. To find out my status, I decided to undertake a little investigative journalism, pose as a woman and infiltrate that amoral maelstrom of all things bedroom, the Sex in the City quiz. The questions are tough. Does your ideal first date include Shakespeare in the park, or sex in the toilet? Is your preferred reading matter Pride and Prejudice or the Economist? Just exactly how do you handle those longing glances with strangers in wine bars?
If on the other hand you're in a more monogamous relationship, you could try assessing it with the Love Test. The quiz tries to ascertain your attitude to your partner by asking, "is she thin?", "is she shorter than you?" and "does she like sport?" (which seems to be confusing you with David Beckham). But it descends towards the tone of an over-inquisitive mother with "have you met her parents?" and "have you kissed her?"
But quizzes aren't all about sex and relationships, and if you feel it's time to find out about something more earthy, what better than which garden type suits you best then go to www.ivillage.com/home/garden/personality/quiz. The quiz is keen to draw parallels with your other "lifestyle choices", and you'll be asked questions about what sort of bed you have (elegantly styled or canopied), what is your "signature outfit" (suit or hiking shorts) and what are your musical tastes (jazz or folk). In the end the "real me" was diagnosed as a "woodland natural", who loves ferns, terracotta pots and "the feel of the forest floor".
If you're looking for something a little less new age, you might like to find out what you think of the rest of the world with the Environics social attitudes survey. You're asked to agree or disagree with a series of statements that try to ascertain your attitude to money, ambition and politics.
If all this time on the internet is getting to you, it's time to check your geekiness with the Geek Quiz. Depending on how much you know about grammar and Star Trek, or how often you phone your mum, the quiz will assess your "Geek Quota" and if necessary offer advice on how to get out more.
Personality quizzes have always been the staple of glossy women's magazines, but the web takes them to new levels with slick interactivity and personalisation. The simple DIY technology of webcams, weblogs and personality quizzes has popularised narcissism.
Am I entranced with my reflection online? Shall I follow Narcissus into the pool? I think I'll leave it to the psychologists to explain why not. AsFreud said of psychoanalysis: "If you give it your little finger, it'll take your whole hand."
