Biggest cop-out

While Neil Patrick Harris was ace, it felt completly disconnected from everything else in the Academy plan: It was like "Hugh Jackman was good last year" + "NPH was good at the Emmys last year" + "audiences like things that are old and safe and unthreatening like Steve Martin. Let's mix all of those without actually letting them intersect in any interesting fashion, yeah?"

Weakest hosting hit

Some hosts manage to make that bit where they run through every important nominee and namecheck them, by rote, without leaving anyone out and with equal weight given to their mention, with complete dignity. Addressing James Cameron with the 3D glasses was less than sledgehammer-obvious; he stared at them like the tall guy hearing the "what's the weather up there like" joke.

Weakest host

Miley Cyrus – who, of all the very slight presenters was very much the slightest: wins the not-eating-solid-food award for this day and perhaps the last week. That they do it isn't the bad example to teenage girls. That Miley looks like it at all, is.

Best hosting moment

Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr had the temerity to be quite funny about the relationship between actor and writer; the actor being beautiful, magnetic, memorable. The writer, in the words that Downey Jnr carefully and sometimes mispronouncinglyly read off the teleprompter: "sickly little mole people".

Greatest invasion of the stage by the undead

After the John Hughes montage. The stage suddenly filled with deeply-eyebagged, hollow-eye-holed 80s actors, staring into the camera, telling a faceless world about the moments (long ago) when they were famous. It was deeply, deeply chilling.

Kanye-ism of the night

Elinor Burkett and Roger Ross Williams. Who knows (or cares, really?) what the deep and complicated backstory of why the producers of best documentary short - Music by Prudence – raced each other up to the stage then had an undignified shoulder-battle for the microphone. It's just good for the Academy that they did. Because seriously, by that point? We were rubbing the Oscar-come-alivey paddles together. Yes, that's a technical name.

Best argument for the existence of Sacha Baron Cohen

Questions abound about what would have been worse – Baron Cohen saying something mildly offensive about Cameron, or Ben Stiller saying absolutely nothing funny whatsoever. With all votes (except the show's producers') plumping for the latter.

Most multi-layered acceptance speech

Luckily, when everyone in the world is expecting you to win the award for best supporting actress, you can get away with giving a speech that is so well planned and tightly nested it will take weeks to unpack, politically, creatively and grammatically. Including the part where Mo'Nique called out Tyler Perry and Oprah, saying "Because you touched it, the whole world saw it" – which frankly just sounds filthy.

Best juxtaposition

The making of whores jokes didn't seem off colour, but suddenly when they made horse jokes, the fact that Sarah Jessica Parker was the next celebrity seemed a little close to the bone.

Unclassy moment of the night

Sam Worthington arrived on stage as a presenter this year: sadly, under my newly instituted "people who chew gum onstage are excluded from the Oscar ceremonies FOR EVER MORE" rules.

Biggest non-award split of the night

This seemed to be the division between people who thought that interpretive dance by hip-hop/modern dance crews was a right thing to do and ... other people. One does wish they had had a longer time to listen to the world's best party music before this moment. That's all.

Most dedicated to making the most of his moment

The director of Crazy Heart, thanked by Jeff Bridges, stood up, waved his arms and just kept waving them, like a man lost in the ocean of "knowing he's not going to be winning the best director award anytime soon", waving down that "milk-it" boat until everyone forgot what they were doing ...

Most distracting audience member

If you have the chance to watch it again, look out for the man sitting behind Helen Mirren, who looks like either a) a robot, b) Mickey Rourke's plastic surgeon (who, it turns out, also did his own face) or c) Robert Downey Jr in 30 years' time.

Greatest missed opportunity

Watching Kathryn Bigelow collect not only the best director but also best picture Oscar, shaking ever more by the second, was a powerful experience. If she'd actually shouted "Who's king of the world NOW, bitch!?" it would have been completely brilliant.