Watching Pop Idols is proof positive that there are a lot of deluded people out there who think that being able to hold a tune in the shower is their passport to international fame as the next George Michael or Celine Dion. These are the same characters who lunge for the karaoke mike at the office party, while everyone sane hangs back and suddenly pretends to be interested in the contents of their paper cup of Campari and soda.
But have a heart. To paraphrase the great Neneh Cherry, these people are 'the needy not the greedy' - ramming their noses up against the shop window of fame like starving Dickensian orphans. Again and again, you hear them say the same thing: 'This is my big chance, the only one I'll get.' And you can't argue with that. The fact that they invariably make such a horrible racket, wailing away like wild animals lost in fog, is completely beside the point.
Compare and contrast with examples of thespians trying to become pop idols. The majority of us are pleasantly surprised to find ourselves in possession of one saleable talent. We neither expect or desire to find another one lurking in the wings. Now that would be greedy. However, tell that to Nicole Kidman and Kate Winslet. Fresh from her stint as the singing courtesan in Moulin Rouge, Kidman has embarked on a duet with Robbie Williams, covering Frank and Nancy Sinatra's 'Somethin' Stupid'. Kidman doesn't exactly sing with our Robbie; rather, she mutters along primly, sounding for all the world like Doris Day rising from some long coma. The video is similarly alarming - Robbie and Nicole pawing at each other in some kitsch nightmare of woolly, patterned jumpers and Old Hollywood styling (though Kidman was well within her rights, albeit misguided, to wind up Tom Cruise with the scene where Williams bites her jewel-encrusted thong). Granted, it's traditional to have a taste armistice around Christmas but this is taking the stuffing a bit, isn't it?
Winslet's effort isn't quite so bad, though you do wonder why she bothered. She has released 'What If', from the soundtrack of the animated version of A Christmas Carol. The picture on the sleeve shows Kate, chiselled of cheekbone, lustrous of hair, staring ahead with a rapt expression on her face. Who knows, maybe she just saw Sam Mendes naked for the first time. The actual song is a sweet, trilling, sub-Celine little ditty. Winslet opens with the line: 'Here I stand alone with this weight upon my heart', and it all goes pretty much downhill from there. As with Kidman, what really hits you in the face is the pointlessness of it all. Hundreds of young women could have sung this better than Winslet, so why didn't she just kick back, crack open a bottle of Chablis and let them? In days gone by, thespians happily stepped back from the microphone and let greater talents take over when the need arose - Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady being just one glittering example. Now, Audrey would be frog-marched into the recording studio and forced to let rip whether she was up to the task or not. The fact that it would have been a public relations disaster on a par with Clint Eastwood's choked-turkey warbling in Paint Your Wagon wouldn't matter a fig.
It goes against all the natural laws of entertainment physics for Hollywood celebrities to suddenly break into song. Show business has a pyramid structure - at the top you've got movies, in the middle you've got television, and at the bottom, right at the bottom, you've got music. Movies, TV, music - that's the food chain of the entertainment industry, and everyone knows it. Why else would the likes of Madonna, Cher and Courtney Love want to do movies if it didn't elevate them in the pecking order? Frequently, this singer-turned-actor thing has worked well (Barbra Streisand, Bette Midler, Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra). The other way around just looks wrong - Keanu Reeves with his band Dog Breath, sorry, Dog Star; Bruce Willis in a bandana; David Soul sitting on high stools, looking deep; Billy Bob Thornton crooning country-lite. All of them are about as welcome as an outbreak of rabies, with sales to match. You've got to trade up in this world not down. It's a step up for soap stars to become pop singers, and for pop singers to become movie stars, but movie stars becoming pop singers? It's a bit like Marlon Brando appearing in EastEnders .
Which probably explains why the Kidman-Williams duet looks so insane. Williams has effectively released an advertisement for his own big-screen potential ('acting' at being Frank Sinatra). Meanwhile, Kidman, like Winslet, isn't so much singing as she is 'acting' at being a singer. Neither woman expects or wants a pop career out of it. You might as well call what they're doing Celebrity Karaoke, for all the real interest they have in the singing arts. At best, Kidman and Winslet are merely having a bit of fun, showing 'another side of themselves', as they like to say in showbiz circles. What they should remember is that, unlike the days of Elvis and Doris, it's dated to multi-task, far more modish to specialise. The all-singing, all-dancing, all-acting Renaissance entertainers aren't prized any more. They tend to end up on cruise ships, or in Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. And, yes, even on Pop Idols.
