Killing bugs has never been so dull
Parasite Eve II
Square £29.99 Sony PlayStation *
I'd never even heard of Parasite Eve I, much less played it. But however bad it was, Parasite Eve II cannot possibly be an improvement.
You play Aya Brea, an agent for MIST, the Mitochondria Investigation and Suppression Team. The FBI has an entire department dedicated to exterminating bugs.
That's right, the FBI has an entire department dedicated to exterminating bugs (although technically, a mitochondrion is not a creature at all but a constituent of a cell). Bizarre names, abstruse organisations, disregard for basic science - if you hadn't already guessed this was from the makers of Final Fantasy, now you know.
It's just as well the FBI is so foresighted, because a swarm of overgrown creepy-crawlies has just infested a building in Los Angeles. And it's MIST's job to splat them.
PEII is a "cinematic adventure", which translates into a scrolling third-person display reminiscent of Resident Evil and detailed but oddly dull graphics.
Points are everything: HP (health points), MP (mitochondria points), and the experience points you earn after defeating each enemy.
This is all accessed through a convoluted (and, in the heat of battle, deeply unrealistic) menu system. But whereas FF was largely about magic, the main concern here is firepower.
Dozens of weapons are available in the game, many of which can be combined for even more lethal effect: Magnum, machine gun, flame-thrower, etc (disappointingly, giant cans of Raid and outsized magnifying glasses are not among them).
By all rights, bug-busting ought to be fun. But with its drab visuals, infuriating controls (no run button?) and logic-defying plot, Parasite Eve II is as enjoyable as dipping your face in a barrel full of live cockroaches. Me, I'm sticking to beetle drives. (AB)
Dark, dark times in Europe
Arcatera: The Dark Brotherhood
Ubisoft £29.99 PC CD Rom *
We enjoy their wine, climate and culture but one thing we Brits can't digest is the European love for point-'n'-click games. And that's not the fault of the genre. The seminal Monkey Island series, and titles like Grim Fandango, offered some of the best game experiences around. This was down to their humorous scripts and user-friendly interfaces - neither of which applies to Arcatera: The Dark Brotherhood.
In fact it's almost as if the developers had deliberately decided to ignore everything that worked so well in Monkey Island and the rest. So we get laughable dialogue, complete with subtitles that often bear little relation to what is being said. We also get character accents that are unintentionally hilarious. The female lead sounds like a 19th Century West Country milkmaid.
Even worse is the way you interact with your surroundings. Examining a chest takes two mouse clicks and if you want to cast a spell or get into a fight then prepare for excessive appendage motion. And don't even think about being able to navigate easily; the screen exit arrows regularly get hidden behind the stats menu.
However, the ability to choose and develop a character, along with the medieval criminal investigations of the plot (complete with time limit), does offer some potential.
The game is very easy on the eye, with some practically photo-realistic environments and quality cut-scenes. But beautiful backdrops and a sprinkle of RPG innovation are scant consolation for the game's numerous shortcomings. Arcatera makes aEurosceptic of us all. (GH)
