Want to become a government codebreaker, but worried that your profound lack of technological nous will hold you back? Fear no more! Next year, as part of a £1.9bn national cyber-security programme, the government will push hopefuls with no background in technology through an intensive 10-week cyber-security bootcamp. By the end of the GCHQ-certified scheme, it hopes to find 50 high-aptitude individuals to protect our nation from cyber attacks.
Are you one of those individuals? Here’s a quiz to test your flair for cyber security.
What’s your mother’s maiden name?
Smith
Add a point in A
Jones
Add a point in B
Passwordpassword123
Add a point in C
Hang on, are you trying to log in to my bank account?
Add a point in D
What do you do if someone throws you a sheep on Facebook?
Call the RSPCA
Add a point in A
Throw it back
Add a point in B
Poke them
Add a point in C
Throw them a sheep? What is this, 2007?
Add a point in D
What does the ‘grimacing face’ emoji portray?
Happiness
Add a point in A
Fright
Add a point in B
Awkwardness
Add a point in C
What the hell does this have to do with anything?
Add a point in D
Why do people cover their laptop webcam with tape?
Because they broke it
Add a point in A
So they don’t accidentally record themselves masturbating
Add a point in B
What’s a webcam?
Add a point in C
Do they really do that? Wow, people are paranoid
Add a point in D
What did you do during the Ashley Madison hack?
Nothing, my conscience is clear
Add a point in A
Grovelled to my wife
Add a point in B
Who’s Ashley Madison?
Add a point in C
Changed my Snapchat password, just in case
Add a point in D
Why should you never take nude photos on your phone?
Because it’s creepy
Add a point in A
Because your genitals are misshapen and embarrassing
Add a point in B
Because you might accidentally email them to your mum
Add a point in C
Because the Russians will put them on the internet
Add a point in D
You’ve received a text message asking you to log in to HSB-Cbankkingonline.org and confirm your details. What do you do?
Log in and confirm my details
Add a point in A
I’m not an HSBC customer, but I’ll log in anyway
Add a point in B
What’s a text message?
Add a point in C
Email my granddaughter and ask her what I’m supposed to do
Add a point in D
Why is your computer slow?
Because I bought it in 2002
Add a point in A
Because all these porn pop-ups keep blocking my desktop
Add a point in B
What’s a computer?
Add a point in C
Because the Russians have hacked me
Add a point in D
Your infrastructure has been hit by an APDoS utilising five attack vectors. What do you do?
Unplug my computer and run away
Add a point in A
Is that an STD?
Add a point in B
What’s an APDoS?
Add a point in C
Oh come on, you just copied and pasted this from Wikipedia, didn’t you
Add a point in D
Are you sure you don’t want to give me your mother’s maiden name?
I told you, it’s Smith
Add a point in A
Are you my dad? Have you forgotten your anniversary again?
Add a point in B
I’m sure. However, the three-digit number on the back of my credit card is 402 if that’s any help
Add a point in C
Dude, stop
Add a point in D
Do you like the TV show Mr Robot?
Not really. Its twists are too predictable
Add a point in A
Not really. There aren’t enough sexy girls in it
Add a point in B
What’s a TV?
Add a point in C
Really? This is how you’re recruiting spies? By asking them how much they like a show about a hacker? This whole bootcamp idea seems unbelievably ill-advised, you know
Add a point in D
Do you like the idea of becoming a government codebreaker?
Sure
Add a point in A
Does it pay well?
Add a point in B
What’s a government?
Add a point in C
Are you crazy? No
Add a point in D
Buckets
Mostly As
Do not go on this bootcamp. It seems like a bad idea, and you’re not very clever, and the internet would crash halfway through your first day at work.
Mostly Bs
Actually, you know what? We’re good for cybersecurity experts right now, but thanks for your interest.
Mostly Cs
Do you even know what a computer is? I mean, for crying out loud. I know this whole bootcamp idea was a stretch, but we were expecting at least a base level of knowledge from our applicants. This is a disaster. A disaster.
Mostly Ds
Sure, you’re the best we’ve got. Take the desk over there in the corner. Don’t touch anything.
