Let us make one of our triannual returns to Gwyneth Paltrow’s website Goop – less the gift that keeps on giving than the gift you would have to be freebasing to buy. This week, the eye is caught by Gwyneth’s move into the drearier end of the home appliances market.

Madam is offering a matching washing machine and tumble dryer for just shy of $2,500. This throws up two issues. First, Lost in Showbiz had not realised Gwyneth’s target customers even washed their clothes. Given that, last year, she was touting $956 loo roll, I had assumed garments were simply another fabric product to be discarded after a single use.

The second alarm bell is the small print relating to that familiar circle of hell: delivery and installation. “Once purchased,” Gwyneth explains, “Electrolux will reach out within two business days. Delivery dates will be scheduled with customer care within two to three weeks of purchase.”

Appliancestomorrow.com it is not – but civilians will be far more troubled by that “reach out”. What is “reach out” doing in a retail setting? “Reach out” is that distinctly patronising formulation that implies efforts will be made to contact you by the bigger person in all this. “Reach out” suggests the mere act of purchasing the washer dryer is a dick move by you, but Gwyneth Paltrow and Electrolux aren’t going to take the moral high ground – even though they are totally entitled to it. As a gesture of goodwill, in the spirit of moving on, out of the goodness of their hearts, they are going to “reach out” to you.

Perhaps the final thing to note about this retail opportunity, though, is that it is “available in titanium color only”. You can call Gwyneth many things, but the one thing she will absolutely not brook is “white goods retailer”.