What?

The Citrus Zinger infusion pack (£14.99, John Lewis) is a plastic flask with interchangeable reamers in detachable base. Used to infuse water with fruit flavours.

Why?

But, Holmes, how does one make water exciting? Lemon entry, my dear Watson.

Well?

I never feel thirsty. Even when I am thirsty, my brain converts the feeling into hunger and I eat Pringles instead. It’s almost a superpower: the ability to be constantly dehydrated but never notice. Not a great power, but it comes with very little responsibility, so I’ll take it. I’ve tried to get the recommended daily dose of water. I’ve lugged a cooler’s worth around, telling myself to drink it all by sundown. I never manage, yet I still spend 78% of the day standing over a toilet bowl, literally pissing my life away.

The Citrus Zinger infusion accessories pack is here to change my attitude. “Yes, water is boring,” it seems to say, “but what about fruits, eh? Do you like fruits?” Not much, I reply. “What if I said you could spend your day struggling to drink a bottle of water that tastes mildly of kumquat?” Whatever, I say, let’s get on with it.

The attachments are actually a citrus press, a kiwi press and a cucumber slicer. As reamers and a spiraliser, they work fine, infusing the water with a helix of watery snozzcumber, or the distant memory of fruit. This almost-flavouring is a frustrating tease, like trying to eat sweet-scented soap. The lure of the weakest lemon squash known to man doesn’t make me want to drink more.

However, Citrus Zinger also sell a version with a sport-friendly top, which has a flip-up mouthpiece and a wide, internal straw. You’ve probably seen these around. Sucking on it makes me feel like an infant; I may as well revert to wearing nappies and sicking up on people’s shoulders when they hug me.

Yet, I like it very much – and drink more frequently, too. It’s soothing. In fact, I think we need to be grown up about this and demand full-on adult dummies, for these are testing times. The world is out of control. If a man should locate tranquility in the sucking of a citrus teat, I say give the baby his bottle.

Any downside?

Comedically, a zinger is a snappy line delivered with zest. But there are no jokes on the box at all.

Counter, drawer, back of the cupboard?

Back to nursery. Soft toys, not hard truths! Mobiles, not smartphones! 2/5