As the internet dissects the jumping sea dinosaurs of Jurassic World, or the football robots of the Star Wars: The Force Awakens teaser, a recent explosion of hype only underlines just how forgettable the studio “tent poles” of 2014 have been.
Once again, Marvel has come out at the top of the tree. Riskier films (making Captain America darker; recruiting a machine gun-toting raccoon) and the addition of sharper writing talent have turned these comic-book castaways into box office gold.
As such, superheroes of old, such as Hercules, are having a hard time catching up. Back in the old days, you could sell a massive, crap blockbuster with snappy TV spots and a star’s talk-show appearance. But audiences’ palettes are getting more discerning and social media hype is not enough to flog a forgettable final product (we’re looking at you, Godzilla!).
But as the whispers of new hope for 2015 arrive, what have been the least memorable studio efforts of the last 12 months? Here are five that we, er, just about remember …
The Giver
A Hunger Games pretender based on a book you’ve never heard of but apparently has millions of fans waiting to garrotte anyone who messes with the source material. Wasn’t the Dude looking grumpy in this all the time? I think it was in black and white. No, colour. No, both? Everything was pretty shiny, I think. Taylor Swift was in it for a second. Not sure why.
Hercules
The artist formerly known as the Rock boasted biceps and brutality in this generic sword-and-sandals romp. He’s the son of Odin … or was it Zeus? I’m pretty sure he fought a three-headed wolf (although that might have been Harry Potter). Lovejoy was definitely in it. And Shakespeare. And the dragon from Merlin. There was a lot of shouting too ... I think he flipped a horse?
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
Chris Pine is again the grinning face of a reboot in Kenneth Branagh’s retro-feeling spy thriller. Branagh was also the villain with a Russian accent. Or maybe it was French. Or Spanish. Keira Knightley spent a lot of the time angry, and Kevin Costner stared at Chris Pine from a distance. What were they after? Oh, codes … a bomb … something spy-ish. The fate of the world was definitely at stake. I miss Bourne.
- Attack of the Colons: Coming Soon to a Cinema Near You
- Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit reviewed by Peter Bradshaw
Robocop
It’s Robocop, but with a 21st-century twist. That guy from The Killing and Omar from The Wire are partners. I seem to remember a lot of gun fights, but not much blood. Wasn’t Batman in it, or was it Birdman? Gary Oldman looked torn, I can’t remember why. Samuel L Jackson shouted a lot in a wig, although that might have been the other 12 films he was in this year.
Transformers: Age of Extinction
More battles! More products! More robots! Different robots! DINOSAUR ROBOTS! That’s basically it, right? Mark Wahlberg was an inventor – no, that can’t be right, he was a cop? Either way, he looked confused. Frasier was in it, and he wasn’t happy. All I remember is leaving the cinema really wanting sunglasses, beer and an mp3 speaker …
- Mark Kermode lambasts Transformers: Age of Extinction
- Chinese farmers quit fields to build giant Transformers models
• Have a go at remembering your least memorable blockbuster of 2014 below
