I would like this post to act as my formal application for the role of Netflix content tagger. I think it might literally be my dream job. It involves sitting at home, watching hours and hours and hours of films and television, and describing it all using objective tags to help other users find content suited to their tastes. That time you watched Only God Forgives on Netflix, and it suggested that you watch Modern Family immediately afterwards because they're both so visually striking? That's because of how they were tagged. No wonder it's recruiting.
Taggers are vital to the running of Netflix. They're the ones who decided that Gothika was a psychological thriller, but that the 2007 James Brolin film Bad Girl Island was a crime thriller. They're the ones who decided that Strippers vs Werewolves was wacky and steamy, while the Danny Dyer film Pimp was merely steamy. They're the reason why your Netflix homepage is full of desperate Woody Allen rip-offs and your mum's is full of nightmarish Hellraiser movies.
There are only 40 Netflix taggers around the world, and they're rumoured to include film directors and former members of Stereolab. Now Netflix is looking for its first UK and Ireland tagger, and I'm warning you – if you want it, you're going to have to get through me to get it. I'd be perfect for the job. They want someone used to working from home, which describes me. They want someone with a film-related degree, and I've got one. They want someone who has worked in TV or film production, and I've done that. They say critics would be well suited to the job.
Did you read my takedown of the Postman Pat trailer? I criticised the hell out of it. Pick me, Netflix. I'll ditch these newspaper losers for you in a heartbeat. I'll watch everything you've got to show. I'll and watch and watch for you. I'll watch until all the muscle mass in my body has deteriorated and I'm left slumped in front of my TV, a dehydrated husk surrounded by my own mess, unable to reach down and tell you that, yes, I actually am still watching Pokémon Indigo League.
That said, the job is specifically a UK and Ireland-based one. The job description claims that responsibilities will include acting as a UK cultural consultant and highlighting UK cultural specificities and taste preferences. There's a chance that this means the lucky applicant will only be made to watch UK-produced content.
That means no Breaking Bad. It means no Tangled or Ghostbusters or Robocop 2. But it does mean three different Danny Dyer films. And Manchester United: Beyond the Promised Land. And UWantMe2KillHim? And Revolver. And Keith Lemon: the Film. Over and over again, searching for subtleties and nuance that will help future Netflix users better find Danny Dyer and Keith Lemon. Actually, now I come to think of it, I've sort of gone off the idea. Sorry for wasting your time, Netflix. Thank you for the opportunity.
