What on earth has Danny Boyle been smoking? A spliff filled with PG Wodehouse's back catalogue and a DVD of the Teletubbies, by the looks of things. The director's Olympics opening ceremony, plans for which were unveiled this week, will feature a set of rolling fields, village cricket, a few flocks of sheep and a scale model of Glastonbury Tor. Trainspotting, it ain't.
Frankly, something's missing. Where's the urban sprawl? What about the high-rises? Where's the miserable Britain that we know and love? Feeling shortchanged, g2 has designed its own alternative Olympics set. Gone is the pastoral idyll, and in its place is a dystopic vision of Cameron's Britain. Instead of green hills, we have the much-loathed Trinity Square car park at Gateshead (1). A burned-out Tottenham (2) replaces Glastonbury Tor. Then there's London's Trellick Tower (3), a monument to gentrification. A lorry (4) cruises past an NHS protest (5), while a grey squirrel (6) is a better symbol of Britain than all those sheep. Out goes the Proms, and in comes Adele (7), Labrinth (8) and the late, lamented Amy Winehouse (9). The Sex Pistols' God Save the Queen flag (10) hangs above a copy of, er, g2 (11). And finally: Robert Jay QC (12). Is there anything more British than the Leveson inquiry?
What does your Britain look like? Build your alternative Olympic ceremony and send photos of your models to email@example.com, along with your name, address and daytime phone number. We will print the best ones next week. Pictures should ideally be 300 dpi and 1 mb. Please refer to: guardian.co.uk/terms
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