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Before you watch a frame of the upcoming horror film Sinister, you already know what you're getting yourself in for. After all, it's called Sinister. You couldn't spell it out more clearly if you tried. In a way, it'd be good if more films were titled with adjectives, because then Battleship would be called Loud and Prometheus would be called Disappointing and we'd all have a much better idea of where we stood.
So, Sinister is going to be sinister. What else do we know? Well, it's from the producers of Paranormal Activity and Insidious and it stars Ethan Hawke. And that's it. Fortunately, a trailer for Sinister has just been released. That'll explain things, won't it?
1) The trailer begins with this admittedly quite sinister drawing of a family who hanged themselves. Why? Hopefully, we're about to find out.
2) Fast forward a decade, and Hawke's brood has moved into the house where the family owners committed suicide. Like all father figures in all horror films, Hawke is there to write a book. This happiness will not last. This film is called Sinister, not Domestic Complacency.
3) See? Hawke finds a sinister box in the attic. It contains films of all the families who have ever lived in that house – familes that have all died in horrible circumstances. But, instead of clearing out and moving away as quickly as he can, Hawke decides to stay and investigate the deaths. Only a nincompoop would do that. Really, this film shouldn't be called Sinister. It should be called Nincompoop.
4) However, Hawke discovers that the films all have this symbol in common. It represents a pagan deity named Bagul, who uses recorded images to travel between dimensions in order to consume the souls of human children. Which, you have to admit, is pretty sinister. It's almost up there with liking embroidery and having a moustache. Almost.
5) But wait. Isn't that an image of Bagul in the video? And doesn't that mean that, because Hawke has seen it, Bagul will now be able to travel to this dimension and start consuming the souls of his children? No, that's probably just an old wives' tale.
6) NO IT ISN'T! Look, there's Bagul! There! In real life, across the street from Ethan Hawke's house! Run, Ethan! Save yourself from Bagul! Save your children! For the love of god, will nobody think of the children?
7) And – OH NO! Look, there's Bagul on Hawke's computer! Look out, Ethan! Bagul is in your computer! That's probably not quite as scary as him being there in real life, but it's still quite scary! You still have time to get away!
8) Oh and, hey, here's Bagul again. It's not really Bagul, though. It's just a painting of Bagul on a wall. Paintings aren't scary. They're even less scary than seeing him on a computer. This isn't nearly as frightening as the trailer is making out. In fact, I'm starting to get the impression that this Bagul chap is actually a bit tedious.
9) Now Bagul is just prancing around in an attic surrounded by what can only be described as a brace of Minipop Baguls. Oi, Bagul, we get it. You're spooky. Jeez.
10) Yes, fine, well done, you haven't even got a mouth. Very scary. Now give it a rest, would you?
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