Stuart Heritage 

On the Road – will the wheels come off Kristen Stewart’s new vehicle?

Stuart Heritage: Will Bella's attempts to avoid post-Twilight typecasting hold up, or does the trailer show another small-town schoolgirl, creepy suitor and love triangle in store?

With Breaking Dawn – Part 2 only a few months away, the Twilight cast are busy doing everything they can to avoid being typecast. Robert Pattinson is making films about elephants and old-timey French cads, while Taylor Lautner has decided to only make films that are even worse than Twilight. But what of Kristen Stewart?

Well, she's playing it safe by sticking closely to the Twilight rulebook. Her next film is On the Road, another adaptation of a book beloved by people who you probably shouldn't trust. So can Stewart break free of Twilight's shackles and prove that she's an actor worth noticing, or will she be Bella forever? Let's poke through the On the Road trailer to find out:

1) Here we meet Kristen. She's just an innocent, small-town schoolgirl who dreams of being rescued by a handsome, otherworldly character who's much older than her but has a slightly creepy thing for 16-year-olds. When will her prince come?

2) Oh, here he is. It's Dean Moriarty, a supernatural-seeming night owl who for some reasons doesn't like to wear shirts very often. Kristen is smitten.

3) No matter what it takes, Kristen vows to make Dean Moriarty hers. And if that means licking a cigarette paper in an uncomfortably sexual way, so be it.

4) But – oh no! – Moriarty already has a girlfriend, and it's Kirsten Dunst from Melancholia. She took her top off a couple of times in Melancholia. How could Kristen Stewart ever hope to compete with that?

5) That's right. Suck it, Dunst.

6) Stewart's even willing to put her clothes back on, clamber into the back of the car and sit around with an old cowboy if it means she'll capture Moriarty's heart.

7) Success. Knowing that nothing's more alluring than a topless 16-year-old in a car – with the possible exception of a clothed 16-year-old in a car sitting next to an old cowboy – Dunst throws in the towel. If Dean Moriarty wants Stewart, Dunst reasons, he can have her.

8) To celebrate their new love for one another, Moriarty and Stewart go out for a dance at one of those fancy new jazz clubs. But then Moriarty notices that, when she dances, Kristen Stewart pulls a horribly self-conscious overbite face. Immediately he realises his mistake and runs back to Dunst, leaving Stewart alone and crying and still doing that weird overbite thing out of habit.

9) Luckily, Peggy Olson is there to mop up Stewart's tears. Literally mop them up off the floor with a sponge. Still, at least she doesn't look like she minds. She's got her face in the trailer for a millisecond, and that's all that counts.

10) And then someone writes Kristen Stewart's story down. They tweak the facts a little here and there, though. They change Moriarty into a vampire. And Dunst into a boy werewolf. And then they replace everything else with a confused and cynical pro-abstinence parable that doesn't really hold any weight under inspection, but it doesn't matter because they'll cast some pretty boys in it when they sell the film rights so that nobody notices. It'll be a big seller, this.


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