Morgan Freeman opens the ceremony and provides a tender sliver of gravitas before Billy Crystal arrives to trample it to death with his customary introductory song and dancePhotograph: Gary Hershorn/ReutersHere he goes. Relatively calm so far. This is Billy's ninth stint as Oscar host. Perhaps he's decided to keep it low key this time? ... Photograph: Robyn Beck/AFP/Getty Images... Perhaps not. Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill look on as Billy hits the high notes. No cracks in this crystal thoughPhotograph: Gary Hershorn/ReutersHere's Tom Hanks, who's on hand to grant the winner of the cinematography Oscar the gift of eternal life / a modestly-sized gold-plated statuette. The envelope he's holding reads "Black", but we'll need a tambourine and a mute elderly gentleman to work that one out ... Photograph: Mark J. Terrill/APThat tiny person down there is Sandra Bullock telling us that the movies are an international affair now. Hence the giant map we guess. Nice to see that the world may be big, but Oscar's biggerPhotograph: Kevin Winter/Getty ImagesDon't be fooled by the sombre expression. A Separation director Asghar Farhadi is THIS happy to have won the best foreign language film award. So happy in fact, that we can barely fit just how happy into the framePhotograph: Robyn Beck/AFP/Getty ImagesOctavia Spencer clutches the key to the universe / the best supporting actress award, which she won for her role in Tate Taylor's The HelpPhotograph: Gary Hershorn/ReutersWHOOOOOARHHHH! LOOKA THAT GEEZA! HE DUNNA BATMAN AND THE TERMINATAH AND HE LOOK PROPER FUNNY AS THAT SKINNY FELLA. WON AN OSCAH AND ALL IN'HE? WALLOP!Photograph: Kevin Winter/Getty ImagesCirque Du Soleil. These people will never win Oscars. They are not Gods among men as most people in the room and therefore they must do their daily stretches like regular folkPhotograph: Mark J. Terrill/APRobert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow present the best documentary Oscar. Downey Jr. had a documentary crew filming him while he presented the award. We have a documentary crew filming us as we watch the documentary crew filming Downey Jr. They're being filmed by a documentary crew filming the documentary crew filming etc etc etcPhotograph: Kevin Winter/Getty Images"You're only two years older than me. Where have you been all my life?!". Christopher Plummer collects his best supporting actor Oscar for his performance in Beginners. "I would share this with [co-star] Ewan McGregor if I had any decency," he said. "But I don't." Photograph: Kevin Winter/Getty ImagesZach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell. Do you think maybe they might repeatedly drop those for comedic effect? Maybe? Maybe?! Hmmmmm?!Photograph: Gary Hershorn/ReutersAngelina Jolie's right leg causes the Oscar crowd to wolf whistle and the Twitter crowd to wolf ... errr ... twhistlePhotograph: Mark Davis/WireImageThe Bridesmaids cast take a second trip to Vegas to present the documentary short subject, short film (animated) and short film (live)Photograph: Gary Hershorn/ReutersBest director Michel Hazanavicius keeps a firm hand on the only award that makes you younger / happier / wiser / more at peace / an Oscar winner. He got that little fella for The Artist of coursePhotograph: Robyn Beck/AFP/Getty ImagesSo very, very close. Jean Dujardin holds himself back from wrenching the Oscar from Natalie Portman's hands, then throwing that most tantilising of all accolades aloft while screaming "OUI! OUI! OUUUUUIIIIIIIII!" ... until he loses his voice. AgainPhotograph: Kevin Winter/Getty ImagesBest actress Meryl Streep. Five decades, 17 nominations, three wins ... and absolutely no inkling that - according to Academy regulation 3:4.3.a.b..2 - she is now legally compelled to wear only gold for the rest of her life. Poor thingPhotograph: Mark Davis/WireImageThe Artist's producer Thomas Langman holds the best picture award, and stares to the sky. Oscar - beaming, brilliant, beautific - stares back. "Yes," says his look. "It is you. There is nothing to worry about anymore ..."Photograph: Gary Hershorn/Reuters... Jean Dujardin stares, similarly entranced. Only Uggie the Dog keeps his head. He's seen it before. Oscar shines all too briefly. Then turns his gaze to the next new thing. Ukrainian cell animation perhaps? Or Nouvelle Nouvelle Nouvelle Vague? Who can really say. Uggie wouldn't, even if he could. Not one to speculate, that pup. Too much of a pro. Atta boyPhotograph: Gary Hershorn/Reuters
